A For Effort

But next time, get your head all the way out the window.

Almost a Fight

I'm in Price Chopper, doing the pre-Thanksgiving day shopping. Turkey and all the fixins.

The store is crowded with post-work, stop-ins plus the people trying to get a jump on the holiday rush. I grab a cart and start throwing in all the goodies I need for our dinner. You know the drill; potatoes, veggies, and.. oh yeah. A Turkey.

I spend some time finding the right bird. I need 14 pounds of fresh (not frozen) tryptophan goodness. I lower the bulk respectfully in my cart, and dart over to grab some of it's poor cousin, the chicken. As I make my way back to my choices, I see a woman lifting "the chosen one" from my cart. She's looking around, guiltily, and the other items in my cart fall from the bird as she tries to free it.

"Excuse me." I say, approaching.
"Oh, is this yours?" she asks casually. Pausing, red handed with my turkey in hand.
"Well, I selected it for purchase. You can make your own selection over there - where all the turkeys are." I said, pointing to the pile.
"Well I didn't think this was anyone's" she said, dropping back in the cart on top of the dinner rolls.
"Please!" I snorted.
"What?" she says, feigning indignity.
"You tried to make off with my bird!" I said, laughing. "You knew it was someone's."
She gave me a look, and stalked off.

Yeah, I'M the asshole. Well, ok so I am, but at least I'm an asshole with the turkey he picked out himself.

Miracle Ear

An ad comes on the tv about a device that fits in your ear and resembles a bluetooth. The amazing electronic wizard amplifies sound so you can hear better. The pitchman explained it in one basic sentence: "Designed to look like an expensive cell phone earpiece, the Stealth™ S.S.A. will allow you to stylishly hear clearly."

How can this improve my life, you ask? Luckily they gave a few examples:
"Hear the orchestra from the balcony as if you were in the first row!"
"Hear your doorbell from your back yard!"
"Keep track of your kids on a crowded playground!"

At the end of the ad, my 8 year old son Dan turns to me and says "We should get that for mom."
"Why?" I ask.
"So she can hear all the things Emily (my daughter) says to her under her breath."

Emily is so busted.

Free!

We're not talking about the normal, run of the mill guppies. These are the fancy kind.

And don't forget the mystery snails! Will they grow up to be something besides snails? Take some home and find out!!

And thank you, I WILL have a great day!

Donna Turn Here

There is this sign on the side of the road, about halfway to work on my morning commute. It's a low, crudely made white sign with blue letters. Hand painted in easy to read letters it says "Donna Turn Here". The setting is rural, where street signs are county routes and there are no sidewalks., so this sign stood out.

I chuckled the first time I saw it. Obviously Donna was directions-challenged. Maybe she was a friend who got lost on the way for a visit, and this was a way to gently chide her. But the sign stayed up for weeks, plenty of time for many visits. Every day I drove by and became less and less amused at the sign. Why is that still up? Jokes over, "Signfeld". Time to take it down. But no.

Soon Donna was joined by all kinds of political signs that sprouted up around her message like the basement dwellers at work show up whenever there is free food on the party table. Pleas for votes in red and blue, "Donna Turn Here" still standing out among them. Maybe it was there to point the way to the polling booth?

But the sign remains. Did Donna die before her trip? Did she ever get to see the helpful posting? Did she miss it and keep driving up to Albany, where she said "fuck it" and left her car at the airport and flew to Florida where she took up massage therapy leaving Dave and his stupid sense of humor in upstate NY. I can see that.

I was going to include a picture in this post, but it's unimportant. I described it pretty well, and it's still out there. Drive up Rt 32 near the Reservoir and see it for yourself. But be careful. The questions it generates may haunt your dreams.

Excuse Me