The Athiest

In a book I'm reading there is a conversation between two characters:

"You are an atheist." says the first.
"We are all atheists." the second replies. "You do not believe in Zeus, Appallo, Budda, Mohammed or hundreds of other gods. You just happen to believe in one more god than I do."

Religion has been bouncing about in my head the past year, and its led me to read a lot of books on the subject. It's scary to read the list of events precipitated in the name of religion. Wars, genocides, forced relocations, caste systems. As a non-practicing roman Catholic, I grew up heavily cloaked in the shroud of religion. It was a comfortable, familiar thing for most of my life. When I was a senior in high school, I was sent for a weekend at a monastery, to see if it would suit me.

The dark, cold buildings were foreign but it wasn't a deal-breaker. Two other things were; 1) No music. I asked if you could have radios, tapes etc, and was told no music of any kind. If I played an instrument I could practice approved hymns, but nothing modern. 2) After dinner, several of us helped clean up in the kitchen and overheard a discussion by several of the priests in the other room about something happening in the Middle East. One voice declared, "We should arm each side and let them kill themselves off, it would make for a better world." Murmurs of agreement and no dissension to the idea struck me cold. It echoes with me today when I hear of the "You're either with us or against us." doctrines that form the basis of many many religions.

Two events this week brought my mind to this topic. We visited a college friend of my wife, who home-schools her children . While talking about that over an ice cream, the idea of a group of home schooled kids getting together to pool resources came up. I asked if they thought about perhaps sharing teaching duties, perhaps becoming specialists in certain areas and that would also give the kids a chance to interact with other kids. She shook her head. "We are Christians, and we don't believe in evolution, which most of the home school parents teach. I don't want my children learning that!" Then I remembered why we don't hang out with these folks that often - we're not part of that group so contact is limited. Not overtly, but deliberately on their part. We might slip and mention evolution.

Then an email from my cousin Brian, who was responding to an email an Aunt sent out with some heavy religious overtones. I ignore these as basic junk mail, family wishing to share their faith long distance with no intentions of annoying anyone. But Brian decided he had read enough of these, and wanted to share his own ideas on the subject, which we not something a good catholic boy would do- challenge the faith. He gave a very frank response to the issue being discussed, which no doubt stung some of the family members - very strong catholics all, including an actual priest.

He then closed with "In the future, keep your religious debates off my email unless you would like me to put every other tenant of your collective faiths to the test." I applauded him for that. I cause enough family strife with my antics so I pause at offering my honest feelings on the subject with the family. It was nice to hear someone answer back with their true ideas even in direct conflict with what the "family norm" is.

It should also provide some interesting conversation at the next family event. Not since the rousing debate about the movie "The Last Temptation of Christ" at the Vermont family reunion has then been such a promising catalyst.

And yeah, that was like 20 year ago.

The Wedge

I get bad haircuts. I calculated about every 5th haircut goes awry in some way. Considering I get my hair cut by a different person every single time, thems is good odds.

Today I had my hair shorn at a generic mall haircut place. You've seen it - the large, multiple-stalled shops where the staff rent a chair. I'm a walk-in, which means I get the next available hair professional. She say me in a chair, and my son took seat nearby, engrossed in a new Captain Underpants book he had just purchased. Not sure why that detail is important to the story, but I added it anyway.

The first sign that things wouldn't end well was she asked me if I preferred scissors or shears. Scissors, I responded, but she grabbed the shears and said "The way I do it, shears are easier and it ends up the same." Um. Then why bother to ask me??? But I didn't say anything. No reason in pissing off somebody holding buzzing clippers.

After doing some work in the back she did change to scissors, which were incredibly dull. They kinked the hair more than cut, and she had to take a few stabs at the layers she was snipping. She also cut my hair with the chair facing the wall, not the mirror, so I couldn't see what what she was doing. I began to wonder if I would have to locate another hair place to repair what was going on up on my head. And I hadn't even seen it yet.

Then the moment of truth. A mirror was lowered quickly in front of my face and I saw the work of art atop my head, which I have named "The Wedge". It is short on the front right side, growing bigger to the left back. It looks like my melon is oblong.

I paid for the cut and tipped my usual amount. I blame myself for bad haircuts, as I was the sucker who walked in. I deserve the hack job I get. My son tilted his head as he took in my new haircut. "You have hair on your face." Yet another sign of a bad place, they don't even brush your face off before sending you out into the bustling mall to be laughed at.

Me, Dan and The Wedge joined the throng. Bring it on.

The Morning Walk

I'm in a good routine now, walking the puppy in the mornings before getting ready for work. She is waiting for me every day at 6:10, and starts to whine if I'm a minute late. Her over-sized puppy ears are alert, head cocked to see me through the dim light as I trudge to her crate. He tail wags slightly, but she keeps her cool. Until I open her crate, then she explodes like a greyhound after the stuffed rabbit.

She is 20 pounds of pure energy, nose a millimeter from the ground as we walk down the road. She takes in all the recent history through her nose- what animals have been by, what new wrappers are present. Things she has seen before are ignored, new smells investigated. Ground my last dog covered in 10 minutes takes 25 with the super-sleuth. She has hound in her, where my last one was mostly lab.

The mornings are good for clearing the head, or for trying to clear the head. Working things out, or not working them out at all. Mostly the latter. But sometimes just running them over in my head, trying out theories with the puppy (a good listener, though distracted) keeps the fog from rolling completely in.

Yesterday, Star decided (either by design or sheer luck) to deposit the morning movement on the expansive lawn of a neighbor who feels that even the inches by the road (and this is a rural community, where houses are wayyyyy back on multiple acre plots) are not to be marred by animal deposits. In fact days earlier, we had seen a scary vision in curlers and robe tapping the window as she caught Star making the mailbox post. At 6:20 am. Now that's a bit excessive, no? So when puppy squatted in defiance (I imagine) to leave a steaming retort of her own, I waited for gunshots. None came, and we moved along.

Many dogs make their way past that house every day (and deer, coyotes, etc, etc) so they would have a hard time pinning the poop on puppy. Not that Star cared. And me neither.

This dog just may keep me sane. It's too close to call.

A Word About Neck Braces

It's hard to look cool in a neck brace. If you have a busted wing or a cracked wheel you can wrap it in a cast and get people to sign it. It becomes fodder for discussion, recounting how many guys you beat up until your wrist cracked, or the fiery car accident that snapped your shin in two pieces.

Not so with a neck brace, the story is always kind of tragic. Just to levelset, I've never had a neck brace, but I've seen people in them and it got me thinking about it.



A neckbrace is impossible to hide, even turtlenecks over a brace look just weird. It pushes your neck up and gives extra folds like a pug dog. It can get all sweaty and stinky and unlike an arm or leg it's very close to your nose, so you can't avoid it. Eating is a challenge, you have to bring the food up to your mouth, then tilt your head back and shove the food in, because you can't watch the food going in. Just shove and hope you're aim is good. Or go the straw route, puree all your grub and suck it in.

The only thing worse than the classic neck brace is the version with metal rods sticking up, with screws that jut out and keep your skull perfectly straight.



Two thumbs up? Not for comfort. You'd think in the modern world they could design a helmet you can wear. It would protect your head and keep it straight and all that, yet give you some comfort and something people can sign.



Maybe have some of that Dr. Scholls shoe inserts material up there as padding. Instead of pointy metal sticking into your head you could be gellin.

If your brace starts to smell, no problem, the mask has a built-in filtration system. And the design will hold odors in so they don't offend others.

Add a voice changer and shape the helmet like the TIE fighter models from Star Wars, and you have a neck brace that's cool and entertaining.


It wouldn't make neck injuries more fun, but maybe a bit more stylish. Eating would still be a problem. I'll work on that.

I'm A Neilson Family

I just helped shape the face of television.

Hey, your welcome.

Nielsen Media Research contacted me about contributing to their survey on tv viewing. I've always wanted to do this, so their offer of five (yes, 5) dollars was almost offensive. But I accepted it. Hey, it's a gallon of gas right there.

My diary arrived as promised by special delivery, and that alone made me feel special. I unwrapped the package carefully, thumbing through the blank pages of the small book that would record MY viewing habits for one week. For one glorious week, my tv shows would get the kudos they richly deserved!

Then I promptly went out of town for 5 days.

So it was bad timing for the whole watch tv and write it down thing. In fact, the week I was a Neilson tv watcher I barely watched ANY tv at all. It's summer, and my pale Irish skin needs sunlight. My diary did not go back empty though. On the night before I was due to mail lit back, I scanned the TV listings and wrote down the shows I would have watched, had it been crappy weather, or I was actually home.

Here's a sneak preview of the shows that were graced by my viewing record and therefore will get huge rating boosts when my diary is tabulated.

Good Eats -FOOD- Alton Brown is the kind of person I could get drunk with and have a bunch of fun. And if we got hungry, he would whip up awesome munchies. I got to see him live a few months back and he seriously rocked.

Scare Tactics - SCIFI- Greatest show on tv (except for the Office). Scan U-Tube and watch anything you can find. Right now! You'll urinate in your clothing laughing.

The Office - TBS - Even in reruns, greatest show on tv.

Those were the highlights. I also threw in some other shows that I wanted to help. Guilty pleasures I guess you could call them.

Judge Judy - CBS- The red hair, the sarcastic tone of voice, the robe. As the band Cake said it so well : "With fingernails that shine like justice and a voice that is dark like tinted glass. She is fast and thorough and sharp as a tack. She's touring the facility and picking up slack I want a girl with a short skirt and a long.... long jacket."

Fuego en la Sangre - Univsion - no idea what it's about but the women are muy caliente.

Country Fried Home Videos - CMT - Picture America's Funniest Home Videos, but with guys in ripped t-shirts doing strange things with old cars and explosives.

Sealed and signed, the diary went into the mail the next week and back to be tabulated into the magical Neilson Ratings Book for that month. True to their word, five crisp one dollar bills were tucked in the diary, and removed before I sent it back.

I would have done it for free.