This guy won't quit (Tommy Part 3)

Long story short, I have ended up in the sights of a curious individual. He has made me part of his life, and my attempts to elude him have failed. In fact, the stakes have now been raised.

I don't poke fun at this guy because of his problems. I have my share, and I don't want to cause pain to anyone, although I know I do. But this wingnut won't go away.

To get the background on this saga, see part 1 then part 2. Remember, the creative spelling is left "as is" from his email:

Well I can now say more since the crisis has pased, I had a growth removed from my middle leg and so am significantly bedridden. The doctor's expect I'll be fine for first game this fall, complete recovery but it won't be easy. In the meanwhile, friends have decided to start a meal chain on my behalf since I can't walk to pee let alone cook and Lynn can't leave her ternimally ill mum in Philly to be at my side. Since many of you have taken good advantage of my hockey planning efforts I thought you may want in. Please let me know if you are better for weekday or weekend if you care one way or the other, otherwise I'll be random but fair. I am a traditionalist so any meat except pork ha ha. Seriously nothing too fancy, it's the wrong position to have bowell troubles.

I will take your feedback and forward the schedule with everyone doing his or her fair share, you can sub in your wife if she's the cook in your house. Don't worry there are other people junping in so it will be no more than once or twice a month. I appreciatre the good cheer. Thanks amigos! -- Tommy

So let me recap. Tommy needs food, and some housekeeping, and the people on this distribution list are expected to pick up the slack because... they are on his distribution list. I don't know him, which is not automatically a reason not to help someone, but frankly my experience with him up until now have not been very balanced. He libel to have steel leg hold traps waiting for visitors. And I have a family to support, so...

A few days go by. This morning I come in and Tommy returns with his most amazing email ever. Ever!

Wow amigos I have to say I'm humbled that no one has problems helping a good man when he's down, now that's team spirit. I have a MUCH more extensive list but here are the dates you people have been appointted to on a monthly calendar, for a few months then I will let you know when I am better knock on wood. The doctors will of course be checking for different growths etc. but I'm an optomist:

First Wednesdays: Dave Sail--hey, no liver dude!
First Saturdays: Frank Blumman
First Sundays: Steve "Flash" Helpert
Second Mondays: B. LeLeve Don't B late!
Second Tuesdays: Shamus "Hangdog" O'Drunkahan
Second Wednesdays: John Sadd
Second Fridays: MArk Hoth bring a case of Genessee we can dine in
style!
Third Tuesdays: Neal "Neally" Niven
Third Thursdays: Bobby Genevese--V MAn
Fourth Tuesdays: edward@bvvb.com I can't remember your first name in my injured state!
Third Fridays: Brian "Lead Butt" Ledding
Fourth Fridays: Lisa (Sexi girl!) Smith But can she cook!
Fourth Saturdays: Big Charlie Juno

Lisa can you deliver this Friday since this month is five weeks which fucked up my lines. Real american food, no substitute! Please send me a note IF you will be later than 6pm. Due to my prone condition I DON'T HAVE A BACKUP PLAN, SO LETS ALL DO OUR PART. My address is: (deleted) ---Tommy

I didn't volunteer, and I'll bet no one on that list did either. We're all trapped in this bi-polar hell together.

Real American food. I guess that means no beaners?

Ideas Wanted

Developments in the previous post - this came from my new friend on Monday. I left all the creative spelling intact.

The Stumble Inn was too fun with tbe Bruins, later that night jumped down a little concrete wall, knee hit right on a fire hidrant negligently positioned (as you may guess I'll have to sue the Delaware Shopping Center which should pay for repairs to my truck, plus some. So forget hockey and now I have to trust my beaners to keep my lawn customers happy, lots of luck. Shattered kneecap 12 weeks in a brace so fuck me! The only positive is the percosets ha ha. By the way do you have a friend that's a DUI laywer too, if so can you refer his name. --Tommy

At this point I'm wondering who's messing with me. It can't be real. But sure enough, he sends an email out to the entire email list (same as the first email I got from him) saying he's injured (though no details) and won't be skating this summer. So unless everyone on that email list is in on it, it's for real.

I didn't know what to say. I also actually got busy at work, so I never sent a response. Not the right move, as it turns out. Tommy writes me a day later, sounding offended:

You must have some technical dificulties, or else you never made a mistake in your life. I got nothing to do except look on the internet and so if you know any good jokes let's have it, okay? --Tommy

So the questions is... how do I respond to this guy? I'm out of ideas.

No Goons or Wacks

I'm on a bunch of email lists for different hockey groups I play with. This time of year, different groups are forming up for summer teams and I've been getting emails about it. So it was not unusual to get the following email:

For those of you who have been in the pickup team before, you may want to know we have limited openings pickup hockey June - Sept; winter team 2 places, one preferred defense, one preferred forward, team expected to be in the Rothingham YMCA men's Tues. 9pm usually. Seeking players that understand the game, good locker room but knows how to keep it in perspective. No goons or wacks. Will screen replies for appropriate candidates. Friends welcome, but team first!
-- Tommy Hanrahan

I'm notoriously bad with names. I can meet someone and a minute later have forgotten their name. So I thought I knew this guy, just couldn't place the face. Since he emailed me, he must know me, at least. I replied back and asked him for additional information about the sessions (cost, ect). Tommy's response was short and strange.

Are you the hanger in the red helmet? How did you get on my distrib list? -- Tommy

Before I could answer, another response came into my inbox.

That's what I thought. Hanger, red helmet. -- Tommy

Being called a hanger is about the worst thing you can call a power forward like myself, aside from "you play like a wall-eyed Canadian" which is the absolute worst insult you can hurl at a hockey player.. His reply told me two things, number one, he was on one of the teams who I had skated against a few weeks previously. It was in a league where I was a registered substitute player. Since I was a sub, I wasn't at many (any) games during the regular season, but since I was a registered sub, I was eligible to play in the playoffs. So they called me, and I did help. Some players on the losing side may have been grumbling about the guy in the red helmet that they didn't recognize from the regular season.

Second, I don't need to hang. I can pass and skate and I demonstrated that. I wasn't happy being slagged by email, so I wrote him back.

Hey, you emailed me. What's your problem? --Shamus

To which he responds:

That was a test bud, you get a 49%. Sorry! Remember, I said no wacks. By the way, you're equipment bag smells like a cat pissed in it. If I change my mind and let you play, you gotta agree to get dressed in the other room. Can you handle that? -- Tommy

Now I get the idea I'm dealing with someone who may have issues greater than even mine. My number one rule I have is "don't pick a fight with someone crazier than you are". It's similar to rules of the road, where you don't get into a road rage incident with someone with a crappier car than you have. When someone has less to lose, they will go farther than you will. Plus, email flame wars are so 2007, so I didn't answer.

Tommy wasn't done with ME, though. The next day, I get another missive:

Okay, gotta admit I was to rough. My wife left me 4 months ago and I can't handle it. I never see my girl to. So I'm on the edge. So if you can get me at least one landscaping referral, the slate's clean. If you need lawn or tree service, no one's more reliable. And whoever you love, tell them. Trust me. We'll have two guaranteed goalies every week and good times. Thanks for listening. -- Tommy

Ah geez. I believe him when he says he's on the edge. That's a tough story. I'm not sure if this is another test,so I play it safe.

Sorry for your troubles. Something else came along so I'm all set for this summer. --Shamus

Yeah, like it would be THAT easy.

When you say all set this summer do you mean skating or lawn care, I give friend discounts for lawn care by seasonal contracts. What's your address? How far from Delmar? I can have a crew there in the morning not too early ha ha and they never come inside. Let me know and sorry again for my joshing, hockey is all I have left these days (but hoping for a good summer if I get emough contracts hint hint. -- Tommy

Where do I live? Friends? Um, no. No effin way. I've had "emough", as he says.

I'm all set with both, thanks. --Shamus

Again, it's not going to be THAT easy.

No problem, I hear ya. Actually it's nice just having someone to chat with. Who needs the big sales pitch, right? I was going to The Stumble Inn tonight for a few beers, we should really get together. Do you hunt? I focus on small game since no bag limit and am looking for a new bow. Can't wait for fall! I bring a tent and really go for it all weekend. -- Tommy

OK, so now he wants to pitch a tent with me and "go for it all weekend"? Oh no he didn't! Shamus don't play that.

I'm out of my league here, obviously. Ill equipped to disentangle myself from this situation. So I consult with a friend and use their suggested text.

With all the things the kids are into I don't get out other than hockey (rarely, these days), and I'm not into hunting/camping. It's been nice chatting, though. --Shamus

I'll keep y'all posted.

More Hot Ideas

It struck me that the giant pope hat can be a symbol AND a source of income for the money-strapped church.

Need the latest scores?



PETA can spread the word...



The obvious choice...



Ok, so maybe not every sponsor is a good idea.

Hot, Hot Heat

I'm not sure why this picture creeps me out. But it does.

Yes, I feel the heat of hell on my feet.

Complaining is for Whiners

You know what this kid is thinking?


"I'm NOT going to Disneyland."

Suck it up, kid.

Flying is not the experience is used to be, that's pretty much common knowledge. Not just the fact that you can't go up to the cockpit and visit with the pilots, maybe take the wheel for a few minutes, but the business has gone from "What can we do for you?" to "Sit down, and shut up!".

That being said, complaining about airline travel is like complaining about gas prices. Everybody can agree at the dismal state of both situations, but there are no viable ideas for fixing either. Teleportation is still being figured out, and the "let's take over Iraq" plan didn't pan out either. The airlines and oil companies know this, hence the "go fuck yourself" attitude both industries exude. Until there's other mass-transit methods that are as fast as jets, or other fuels to power the family minivan, they have us by the balls.

But this is all common knowledge - I'm not enlightening anybody here. I just saw this picture on CNN and felt bad for the kid -his dream of seeing Mickey crushed like the insugency in Iraq. Or something.

So let's lighten the mood. Check out this airline complaint letter.

Way of the Dragon

Check out this picture. It is from a movie called."Way of the Dragon".


(See the fight here)

I love it, because the look on Chuck's face is NOT acting. He feels the presence of Lee, recognizes the power and force that he was up against. He also seemed to realize that Lee could wipe the floor with him. For real.

In my son's karate class, there are many levels of students. There is a core group of "elder" students (high school aged) with the advanced black belts who exude confidence. They help with the classes, and on the side you can see them going through their katas and sparring among themselves. They are fast and strong and well-balanced.

Every so often, the teacher Shi Han sees fit to introduce them back to reality. I'm not sure if it's part of the training routine, or maybe he just noticed one student getting too full of himself. Whatever the catalyst, Shi Han has a moment with them. Sometimes it is during a casual sparring session, before or between classes. The student who moments ago was pulling impressive back flips or high kicks is brought back to reality as Shi Han moves in on them like they were standing waiting for a bus.

In a split second they find themselves facing a fist millimeters from their face that they didn't see coming, or on their back staring at the ceiling with the wind lightly removed from their lungs. It's a dose of reality, to keep the student reminded that they are the still the student. It's not done as a power play or smackdown, simply a reminder that they still have a few things to learn.

Which also sends a message to everybody else, in the class and just watching. Good to be humble.

Best Day Of The Friggen Year

April first isn't my favorite day of the year, but damn close. I love to pull pranks anytime, but people tend to react badly when you eff with them for no reason. So for one day it's actually sanctioned and open season. Let the games begin!

My kids are very hard to trick, as they are hardened to my antics all year. So much so that this year I actually had to do some research to find a few new things to try. All the classics like a bucket full of water or confetti over a doorway, or a spider on fishing line they would spot straight away. I had to kick it up a notch, as it were.

The day dawned and my kids arose at the normal time to follow their normal routine. Dan went to the kitchen for his cereal, Emily to the bathroom. To start with, I pulled the old cereal switcheroo, where I replace the plastic insert (and cereal) of one type with another. I watched Dan as he poured flakes into his bowl instead of cheery O's, and smiled when his faced screwed up in puzzlement, then into a grimace. You could see the moment on his face when he realized it was April Fools Day. "Daaaaad!"

Emily had her realization in the bathroom, when she washed her hands still sleepy and groggy. I had made an adjustment to the faucet and when the water turned on, it sprayed her instead of pouring into the basin. This is an oldie usually done using the hose on the kitchen sink. She wasn't expecting it and I heard her yelp in surprise from the kitchen. It didn't splash her in the face, but it was still a jolt which brought her fully awake. "DAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!"

Next, I served them their daily OJ. They give it a quick look and sniff and it looks like Dad didn't mess with that. Emily takes a sip, confirms it's really OJ, then goes for a swig, only to see the juice suspended. HUH? she says, a puzzled look on her face. Score another for Dad, because you've just been punked by the Jello OJ trick! The night before I filled their juice glasses halfway with orange jello. In the morning I added just a thin layer of real OJ to the top of the jello, so it looks and tastes real, until you get past the thin layer then... whoops! Now, they are both wondering what's next but I tell them, that's it. That's all I got. For now.

Once you hit them with a few tricks they second guess everything they do, and it's hilarious. They check their shoes for paper towels stuffed in them (so they don't fit), their lunches for booby traps and backpacks for something that may or may not be alive.

They give it back, don't think they don't. Although they have yet to master the "surprise" element.

Earlier in the year, Dan made a batch of cookies and used 6 times too much salt in the process. When I came home, I was met at the door by him offering me a cookie. Before dinner. I told him I'd eat one after dinner. All dinner he reminded me a cookie awaited. Afterwards, he made sure I didn't leave the table without having one of his cookies (though nobody else was served one), so I knew something was amiss. I trusted I was not going to be poisoned, and took a healthy bite.



Pranks - if you give 'em, you gotta be able to take 'em.