The Wheels Have Come Off

Ninja Preparedness

I'm a "The Office" fan. Dwight is the greatest hipster-dufus since Kramer.

From Dwight (who, for a brief moment in last night's episode attained the "Regional Manager" title, only to have it snatched away again) comes some common sense tips on fending off those pesky ninjas. Check out his blog.

A friend reminded me that this site is the ultimate source for ninja-related info. You can learn that ninja's are guitar-playing mammals who flip out all the time. The hatemail is my favorite section.

The New Mystery Spot

I live in the Catskills which used to be the mecca of tourist traps. Thousands of downstater's would pile into their cars and head North from NYCity, New Jersey and Long Island looking for things to do in the great upstate outdoors. In the 70's there was a boom of cheesy tourist places, all radiating from the biggest trap of all, the Catskill Game Farm. The closed last year, finally, after a decline that was slow and sad to watch. The smell of that place still haunts my dreams.

Long before the Game farm bought the farm, the smaller traps folded up, but their husks remained. My favorite is the "Mystery Spot".



Gravity is out of wack, as water runs UP-HILL! Also, buildings stand sideways to how you stand! How? It's a MYSTERY!

These tourists just got ripped off

Yeah, kinda sad. You can only imagine how the people feel, pulling away after being scalped for the entry fee to see the lame display. Especially when they look at the sign, and think, "What about that sign convinced us this WASN'T going to be a rip off??"

In modern day, the traps are much more expensive. Like the Skywalk out at the Grand Canyon. Now, I was one of the people who thought the idea of the Skywalk was COOL, and I wanted to check it out. But then the news reports came in, and I started reading experiences of people who actually went there, and I'm thinking we have ourselves another mystery spot. Only this one costs as much as a day at Walt Disney World. And no cameras? WFT??

Me? I'd rather ride the teacups.

Using The Mouse Against Us

"A Mickey Mouse look-alike named Farfur is teaching Palestinian children the ABCs of terror on Hamas' official television station, Al-Aqsa TV." (full story here)

Well, there's hope for the war after all. If Disney decides to send it's
lawyers over there, they will crush those guys with infringement lawsuits.

Update! The show was pulled. Send then lawyers anyhow!

Two Simple Rules

This is an Instant message conversation between myself and a co-worker whom I call "Magnum PI". He earned that nickname by his proclivity for wearing awesome Hawaiian shirts. Not part of the dress code, and he couldn't care less.

MagnumPI... I'm officially eef'ing off for two hours now
Shamus... effin great
MagnumPI... no reason, it's wed.
Shamus... that IS a reason
MagnumPI... magnum's employment seminar lesson 10 - you don't ever need a reason to eef off
Shamus... you need to write a book on your colorful employment histores, and overall philisophy on work. I'd buy it
MagnumPI... sounds like work
MagnumPI... maybe I could con a high school kid into writing it for me
Shamus... get "Naturally Speaking" - just dictate it
MagnumPI... still labor
Shamus... ironic - that a book about work is, in itself, too much work
MagnumPI... I'm an enigma
Shamus... wrapped in a cloud of controversy
MagnumPI... two simple rules - if they can't kill you or put you in jail they have no leverage

Kicking The Bear

An intern at my place of employment sent one of those "ooops" emails last week. Frustrated with the way some of the techs put away (or didn't put away) hardware after an install, the intern sent them a message basically saying he didn't appreciate cleaning up their mess. The response from the techs was a combination of "who the hell are you?" and "you're going to wish you never sent that". Imagine approaching a sleeping bear, and giving it a kick in the head. Yeah, like that.

I felt for the intern, who's a cool guy and really was just looking for a little r-e-s-p-e-c-t, like Aretha says. He learned an important lesson that there is a food chain and if you have to show that sleeping bear a little bit of respect, lest you be eaten. I've been there, kicking that bear. In this case it was very large bear with a balding head and bad breath. I called him the Ogre.

Being a lowly paralegal/delivery boy for a law firm, you really don't get much respect. I was at the beck and call of the partners, and no task is too minor or personal. The Ogre is was referring to was the head of the collections area, and felt he was a pretty important guy, though not a lawyer which meant he was only a little higher than me on the food chain. But higher none the less.

He waddled up to me one afternoon and dropped a package on my desk, saying it needed immediate delivery to one of our clients nearby. I was working on a Chapter 7 petition and needed to get it to the attorney for filing by the afternoon deadline. It was also about 100 degrees out side and I wasn't in the mood for a walk outside, especially since I had just gotten back from the afternoon deliveries a few minutes before.In fact, I'm sure the Ogre waiting for me to get back before bringing it over.

Without looking up, I told him I was too busy to go, saying I had a filing to do for the attorney (not a partner). So, Ogre stated he had a delivery that a PARTNER needed done, implying that I was trumped. His partner beat my associate.

When I got back from that sweltering, sweaty walk, I typed a quick email to the Ogre stating I needed an hour heads-up for deliveries, since I had time-sensitive work I needed to complete. The Ogre replied (copying the partner) stating that "deliveries will go out at the time the partners need them, or I can look for another job". He wasn't my boss, and copying the partners (without my original email attached) made me sound like a whining baby, but I learned my lesson. Click save as draft, not send. There are people out there just looking to eff with you, and you can't give them easy material to make their task easier. At least make them work for it.

Don't Hassle the Hoff

My news feed programs had this waiting for me this morning:

Video of Drunken, Half-Naked David Hasselhoff Surfaces

C'mon people! Is this news? The Hoff lives on the edge - being drunk and half naked is part of the deal. It's how he rolls.



Think about it - how else could he get up there and belt out those awesome tunes in front of 30 thousand screaming (although European) fans.

I admit I have a special place for the Hoff in my heart since Stinky had that little run-in with David a bunch of years back. Not everybody walks away from a collision with Stinky, so kudos to the Knight Rider.

And get off his back, America!

Effin Cube Grizzlies

Spring is here and it seems the Cube Grizzlies are out of hibernation! What's a Cube Grizzly, you ask? OK, well you know how bears scratch their back, by rubbing on a tree with a look of bliss on their hairy faces?



The same phenomenon occurs in my office. A few large gentlemen feel it's appropriate to rub their back against the side wall or corner of my cube wall while discussing business. They maintain the conversation as they undulate against the straining wall, until a look of "ahhhh, that's got it..." comes across their faces. The whole time they are doing it I don't hear what they are talking about, all I can think is "he's really doing this right in front of me while we're having this conversation".

Next time some co-worker is droning on about some project or issue or whatever, imagine them pushing their generous back against the corner of your cube wall. Back and forth, back and forth back and forth until a display of bliss covers their face. Real classy, huh? How about this shocking concept: Get an fuckin back-scratcher, and scratch your hairy back in the privacy of your own damn cube. For fuck's sake.