My Vanity Has No Bounds

Ok, so riddle me this, how do you keep wrinkle-free?

I iron my dress shirts, applying a healthy dose of starch to make the lines crisp and smooth. On the hanger it looks fab-u-lous. In the morning after I have dressed for the day and I prepare the kids breakfast and pack their lunches, I'm looking good. Well, the shirt is anyways.

When I arrive at work, however, once proud chemise is twisted and crumpled. In fact, it looks like I just had a wrestling match with a bear. And lost. I know what the problem is, it's the goddam seat belt. The sad thing is there have been a few days I have driven all the way to work holding the lap belt away from my chest just to keep my shirt unwrinkled. It works, but I feel like I shouldn't have to do that just to have an unwrinkled shirt.

Aside from putting the shirt on when I get to work, the only solution I could think of is to drive to work without my seatbelt. In theory, this is a great idea. In reality, it just takes one sleepy truck driver veering into my lane and I have bigger problems than a crumpled shirt. I have visions of my semi-open coffin funeral, and co-workers shuffling by alternately admiring my unwrinkled shirt and then cringing at my crushed face. They'll shake their heads and say, "Well, you have to admit the shirt looks damn fine."

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The Best Costumes from Friday

These were the best constumes in our theme of "Rudolph The Raindeer". I've added sunglasses to people to viel their secret identities.

The Abomidable Snowman and Yukon Cornelius. All of the kids that walked through were scared of the guy in the snowman outfit. He was like 7 feet tall and would roar at them. The kids would just drop their candy and run. Now we have their candy, so it all worked out.


Elves at work. Most stuff in made in China, but some toys are still assembled by elves.


The Misfit toys, complete with the train with the square wheels.

Yeah, We Won

I played a smaller part this year, that of a lowly raindeer, but it was the sheer overwelming ensemble that forced the judges to admit we kicked ass once again.

We have an administrative assistant in our area that planned it all out and motivated poeple to get on board and in the end, brought the trophy back to it's home in Systems. We bad.

I'll post a couple of pics on Monday.

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Halloween : Game On

I work in a small company and one of the advantage is that they like to have fun. Take Halloween for example.

When I first started here, they began having a costume competition between the departments. Each one would come up with a theme and then get participation from the employees. The departments parade around and then a group of judges comes by and walks through the department and then they tally the scores.

My area (IT) won it the first two years with presentations of "The Wizard of OZ" (I was a flying Monkey) and then "Seasamie Street" (I was the Count).


Last year, we did "Under the Sea" (I was a scuba diver)


and we should have won again - but apparently our sweeping victories were demoralizing the other teams and so we didn't even place! I mean, c'mon. Should mediocracy be rewarded, or should they be forced to kick it up a notch and bring their A game?

This year we are doing Rankin and Bass version of "Rudolph the Raindeer" and I'm Blitzen. This is apt because as you all know Blitzen was the raindeer who was nicknamed for his habit of spiking the eggnog.

I have to say it looks damn cool in here. Our cube farm has been coverted to a winter playland. We have the place covered in white drop cloths, evergreen trees and snowflakes. We have the misfit toys (including the train with square wheels), the Abomidable Snowman, and even Herbie, the Elf who wants to be a dentist. It's fer shizzle. We're going to kick ass.

In true IT fashion, there is logic behind our choice this year. We can leave up much of the decorations because Xmas is just around the corner.

Anyways, I'll let you know how we do.

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Mr. Rogers

You may know him as "The Gambler", or maybe as "The Silver Smoothie". No matter how you know him, Kenny Rogers is distinctive with his silver hair and beard combination and his luck with the ladies.

Perhaps the greatest use of his famous visage was as a vehicle for "Kenny Rogers' Jackass" (safe for work) from MADTV. Will Sasso is a genius in this segment as the gregarious stand in for Johnny Knoxville as he get's stunned, pepper sprayed, whacked with bats, and various other bodily torments.

Somebody has a site of People Who Look Like Kenny Rogers. I found myself drawn to the galleries , which feature some funny impersonators, albeit unwittingly. "Hot Tub Kenny" is my personal favorite.

The funny thing is, if you gave me a picture of the real Kenny Rogers, I'm not sure I could pick him from one of these look-alikes. I imagine Kenny hears this line 10 times a day,
"Hey, You know who you look like?"

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Stingrays - The Quickening

The bad news just keeps piling up for Stingrays. When one bad apple ray stabbed the defenseless Steve Irwin in September, striking down the fearless croc hunter, the popularity of those cuddly rays took a nose-dive. Fans took to the oceans in droves, spearing the rays and mounting their skulls on fence posts as a message to other animals that might dare to strike back at man.

Now another ray has attacked, this time at an Octogenarian who was minding his own business in the placid waters of Florida. After an early bird special at the Golden Troth Buffet, the man decided to troll for some fish off the coast near Miami. Still recalling the vivacious ladies at his table at his pleasant meal, the man was stunned back to reality when a Stingray leaped from the water and knifed him in the chest with his jagged dagger. The ray also lifted the man's wallet containing his AARP card, which entitles the man to deep discounts at most places of business, before heading back to the deadly depths of the ocean.

The man barely survived. Brave paramedics and doctors robbed the ray of another kill for his headboard back in his lair.

The best part of the article was the picture of a ray. It even looked angry. It made you wonder if they had a selection of pictures to choose from, and they selected the one that had the most ominous look to it. And then, to top it off, they edited the picture to add vampire teeth and a baby's arm hanging out of it's mouth! Horrendous.


Stingrays need a marketing team to pick up their tarnished image. First, they need to demand a full retraction from the press, and ask them to print this picture, showing a happy, loving stingray.


Then they need a celebrity to come out on their behalf, perhaps one with credibility and a high popularity rating to lend some weight to convincing Americans and the World that Stingrays aren't such bad dudes. May I be so bold as to suggest David Hasslehoff? He could even write a song about the majestic and peace loving creatures.

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Bucket Head

The best thing about the invention of the DVD is the extras you get with movies. Deleted scenes, commentary and movie production footage give a glimpse into the real "business" of making a movie, and I'm captivated by that. There used to be a great show on HBO called "Project Greenlight" that did the same thing - showed the behind the scenes production of a movie and the drama and comedy that lives there.

I've heard for years that Marlon Brando was a nightmare to work with most of his career. This story about the making of the Island of Dr. Moreau tells a scary yet funny recounting of a fired director, a scrapped script and actors that made production near impossible.

I'd been tipped off to this by a story Artie Lang told on Stern this am*, about Brando showing up to the set wearing an ice bucket on his head halfway through the shooting schedule. I t had nothing to do with the script, or anything else, but he refused to take it off. So, there it is in the movie.




The original bucket head. Classic.

*BTW - for those of you curious about Sirius radio, they are offering 2 days of free content (music, talk shows, everything) next week. You won't need a receiver, you can listen over the web. Warning, you will love it. Details: www.sirius.com

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The Theory of Exploding Animals

You might think that this blog is all about hockey, babes, robots and beer. Not so! I'm into particle physics as well.

I got sucked into an episode of "Nova" on the subject of String Theory a few years back, and ever since, I've been convinced that we're not so many years away from a real Star Trek teleportation machine. So I've been looking into the science of "beaming up" an found it has been advancing nicely.

In 1993, the idea of teleportation moved out of the realm of science fiction and into the world of theoretical possibility. It was then that physicist Charles Bennett and a team of researchers at IBM confirmed that quantum teleportation was possible, but only if the original object being teleported was destroyed. That's kind of a bummer, but if you don't destroy the original, you're going to just copy yourself, like in that Michael Keaton movie. No, not Batman, the other one.

As much fun as it would be to have a second me around to hang out with and argue about movie trivia, my copy would end up being a smarter, more attractive version of my self (not a huge feat) thereby making me dislike him. Then I'd have to run him over with my SUV, and I'd be charged with killing myself. So it wouldn't work out.

The coolest experiment of quantum teleportation (that I found reference of, there may have been others) occurred in 1998. The uber-nerd physicists at the California Institute of Technology, along with two European groups of equally cleaver yet dateless scientists, turned the IBM ideas into reality by successfully teleporting a photon. A proton is a particle of energy that carries light, in case you missed that day in high school (I know I did). They were able to read the atomic structure of a photon, send this information across 1 meter (3.28 feet) of coaxial cable and create a replica of the photon. As predicted, the original photon no longer existed once the replica was made.

The first phases of this technology are going to be ugly. You can bet there will be more than a few deformed animals teleported before they work the kinks out. Kind of reminds me of a scene from a hilarious movie called "Galaxy Quest".

In the scene, Fred Kwan (the engineer) is trying to digitize the pig-lizard to teleport it onto the ship as a test before he uses the device on the Captain, Jason Nesmith, who is down on the planet facing impending death.

Jason Nesmith (on the communicator): What? What was that?
Alexander Dane: Uh, nothing.
Jason Nesmith: I heard some squealing or something.
Gwen DeMarco: Oh, no. Everything's fine.
Teb: But the animal is inside out.
Jason Nesmith: I heard that! It turned inside out?
[the pig-lizard explodes]
Teb: And it exploded.


So just a shout out to my homies working on this tech problem. Take your time, guys. Get it right. I can wait.

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All For A Dollar

Have I mentioned I live in a small town? One traffic light, no fast food joints (except for the hot dog stand) and sidewalks that automatically roll up at 8:01 pm. Night life is the drive-in, but that’s only open in the summer.

There’s been new construction around town lately. Our little secret down here couldn’t last forever, I realize, and with the new homes going up, businesses will come too. Rumors of a Dunkin Donuts swept the town a few months ago, as well as a Coles department store. I have to admit, folks were getting just a little excited at the thought of some big city treats in our wide spot in the road.

Word soon came out, though, that the two new buildings were going to be, in fact, something else. The same thing, actually. We were getting two new dollar stores.

That would be in additional to the dollar store we already have, right near where these two new ones are going up. This caused me to say out loud, “What the fuck?”

It’s bad enough that you live in a community that is seen as so depressed and sad that it can support two dollar stores instead of a larger department store, or even a drug store. But three? Do they think people are going to comparison shop between the dollar stores? Is there that much shit that can be sold for a buck?

You might be asking yourself, “Who do you blame for this stupid, short sighted move, Shamus?”

Good question. I blame the town board and our little community as a whole. The town board for allowing the building to proceed, and the rest of us for not catching this and nipping it in the bud. Force them to find something ANYTHING else to occupy the new building. Why couldn’t we have 3 pizza joints? Or three coffee shops? Or three grocery stores? Why do we need three places to but cheap Chinese crap?

I realize that competition is healthy, and in a year there will most likely be only 2 dollar stores left, peddling their cheap trinkets and Mylar balloons. Then again, all three could flourish, and how sad would that be?

Do you hear that sound, my fellow Greenville-ites? Yep, it‘s the sound of Cairo, Coxsackie and Durham laughing at us.

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Conversation Killer

I'm on the phone with my brother out in Boston this morning. He's watching his kids play soccer on a sunny fall day, and we're discussing Christmas plans. The parents might fly out from BC, and there's always logistics with that - where will they stay, yada yada.

Suddenly Tim says, "Ooops. I have to go. Matthew just got kicked in the grapes."

Walk it off, big guy.

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Keep It Light

The Albany Eye (where I get my news) recently reported that St. Rose is starting a college Internet radio station. Here's the shocker - it won't be a free-form, eclectic mix of creative energy and budding talent but a more 'professional' format.

"St. Rose is running a tightly formatted ship with an emphasis on college and community affairs, documentary style programming, and performances."

No shit. CSR has quite a track record of firing any creative elements that creep into these kinds of school media outlets, as I experienced when they canned our newspaper editor for reporting on "bad things" happening on campus. What kind of bad things? How about rigged elections, lapses in campus security and lavish spending on administrative offices (while tuition was being raised in record-setting percentages).

And no, Sue Nigra was not involved in that scandal. She was keeping her nose clean by steering clear of any journalistic activity back then. Unlike the hard-nosed reporter she became.

So for any Rosebuds in the radio program, a little advice. Avoid the news and documentary items unless you can keep it light and keep it happy. If you pull any "60 Minutes" style crap they will eject your ass faster than you can say "Inscape".

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It's All Gravy

It was my second-favorite holiday the other day, Canadian Thanksgiving. Some people love Easter, some Christmas or Halloween. I even know someone who gets giddy for Ground-hogs day. What's up with that?

Monday was a spectacular day here in the North East. The sun was warm, the leaves brilliant in color and falling wistfully from the trees. The septic trucks rumbled gently by, Billy the driver waving drunkenly.

Inside the O'Drunkahan abode, we had the whole spread - garlic mashed potatoes with chives, fresh cranberries, juicy turkey, traditional stuffing and, of course, gravy. Gravy is the goalie to the hockey team dinner. Don't even think about playing without your goalie. Unfortunately we had to play overtime without a goalie (we ran out of gravy), but that's life.

The Ale House hockey season is only a week away. Life is good.

Speaking of the good life, meet Buffo the Clown . He's kind of scary.

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Blue For You

My little city of Albany was treated to some big-city entertainment this weekend, as The Blue Man Group with Guest Tracy Bonham made a stop on their “How to be a rockstar mega tour 2.0.” I won’t review it (here's one) other than to say it was a wicked fun show.

They only thing that would have made it better would have to seen it in a smaller venue, some place a little more intimate, like the Palace or Proctors. Then again, maybe I just needed better seats.

I really enjoyed the opening act/costar on the bill, Tracy Bonham.

She opened with a few songs playing either solo or with a support from a part of the Blue Man’s band, hidden behind the curtain. I was really moved by “Naked”, a melodic, powerful and flowing song that was just her and a Fender guitar. I thought she really nailed it.

On a side note, I was on Tracy’s site looking at pictures and came across this one of JV playing guitar. And I thought he was just a drummer. Crap he's talented.

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Busted Chops For Dinner Tonight

I have marveled at my daughters conversation skills since she was 2 years old. By the time she was 4, I was losing arguments with her. Now at 8 she’s getting funny, usually at my expense.

Take tonight. The dinner discussion was on something mundane (‘how was your day’ kind of stuff) when my son started plucking at the hairs on my arm.

“Daddy, why do you have this?” he asked.
“Keeps me warm.” I said.
“We’re mammals, and mammals have hair.” wife says
“Like apes.” daughter says.
“Except we don’t have hair all over.” I say.
“Almost all over.” daughter says.
“No, just arms and legs mostly.” I say, dreading the direction of this conversation.
“Whales are mammals.” son offers.
“Well…” wife says. They‘ve got us on the ‘mammals have hair’ thing now.
“More like apes.” daughter says. “We’re like apes, just look at daddy!”

Can't argue with that. Damn she can be a pisser.

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Bye Bye, Jessica

This is Jessica. She was a Yamaha Seca 650 Turbo, and I bought her in April, 1992. We had a lot of adventures together, and scared the bejesus out of countless passengers. Jessica's turbo was amazing, kicking in at 3500 rpms and the feeling was not jerky like a downshifting, but different. I always though of it as a giant hand reaching down and giving her a big ass push. It was a sweet ride.

I listed her in Craigs List on Sunday morning at 10:12 am. By noon I had three inquiries. By 5:30 she was loaded onto the back of a pickup headed for Orange County, where she was going to be restored for the road.

She was too good a bike to just be sitting there, so now she won't.

And yes, in that picture I am resting on my tank bag, no hands on the handlebars (Jessica had cruise control and a radar detector) and it looks like I am about to run over Casper the Ghost.

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