More About Effin Weird People

Is it me or is eating the grocery store wrong?

I'm walking thru Price Chopper yesterday and I witnessed four people eating food they had not yet paid for. Two were eating from "open bins", where you are supposed to scoop the product and put it in bags that get weighed. They were "sampling" the food, and in one case, a whole handful sample was being shoved down the gullet. Then they nod, like they are saying, "Hmm, yes, that is fresh enough for my standards...." to convince anyone watching on the security camera that they are not, indeed, stealing. Which, they in fact, are.

Sometimes I'll find open containers of cookies just left on the shelves after someone has eaten some or all of them. I even have seen a carton of milk in the dairy case that had been "sampled". Hey, that's why they have a "best before" date on them, so you don't have to try it before you buy it.

This is not a grey area. When a store gives away food, they make it very clear. They put a person out with a tray of samples who OFFERS them to you. Then yes, it's cool to scarf. I never would though - you don't know the conditions under which that food was prepared, and trust me, you wouldn't feed it to your dog if you DID know. The only exception I can think of is a certain TV cooking celebrity was preparing snacks right in front of you, and you stopped to try one and maybe have a little conversation. Rachael, if you're reading this, the pate' was delicious.

That wasn't the only display of insanity on display yesterday - several people were talking aloud to themselves. I can see cursing aloud, like when you drop a hockey skate on your bare foot and you let loose a string of expletives to an empty room. That's just natural. The folks I saw were rambling to themselves in full sentences about products, proves, and god knows what else. And no, they weren't on the phone. I thought that was the case and saw no bluetooth on the ear or tiny phone in their hands. They were just plain looney effin tunes.

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Mike, The Headless Chicken

Have you heard the story of Mike, The Headless Chicken?

I grew up on a small farm, and so we had our own chickens which we beheaded and plucked for food purposes. My dad did the honors, my brother I staring in horror. It was a lesson in the brutal circle of life, and in how you shouldn't name your pet chickens.

The story of mike is pretty amazing. Basically, this chicken lives on after getting half it's head lopped off. It walks around the barnyard, sans eyes and beak, carrying like nothing happened. The pictures of the beheaded bird are disturbing, yet somehow affirming. Scratch that, it's just disturbing.

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Help Wanted

Half the development team has put in it's notice. That's right, Rob (formerly 'the new guy") is leaving, heading back to the South where they have Sonic, no snow, and Katrina flood cars for half price. I certainly can't blame him, those Sonic burgers are heaven.

So I'm looking for a new coworker. Here's the ad the replacement position.

St. Technical Analyst

Preferred candidates will possess at least a Bachelor’s degree in Computer Science or equivalent in Playstation experience. The position requires in-depth knowledge (or cliff notes version thereof) of systems analysis and/or business process analysis and design, with a broad general knowledge of Monty Python, Lacrosse and 80's Hair Bands. This self-motivated, self-aware and self-indulgent individual will provide process/workflow analysis and development using the following tools: Lotus Domino, VB, Java Script and Dogs Playing Poker. Having funny stories to share during "down times" or equivalent education is a plus. Scratch that, it's a must.

The Company offers a competitive salary and benefits package, including 401(k), flexible Paid Time Off, Education Assistance and Flexible Spending programs and a stellar cafeteria. There are also excellent lunch offerings nearby, including a Quizno's and (coming soon) a Panera. Hmmm, Panera.

In support of a safe, drug free environment, criminal background checks and drug & alcohol testing are part of our hiring process. Usually.

I'd like to reiterate that I'm also going to demand on a good sense of humor. Sorry, but I'm going to have to work this person, and I don't deal well with stiffs. Plus, Rob set the bar kinda high in the funny department. Damn him. Damn him to hell. Just kidding Rob.

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Banana Phone

Check this out.

You'll watch it more than once, and you'll be humming that tune in the shower.

I promise.

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More About Flying

A friend sent me this news story to me :

OTTAWA (Reuters) - The pilot of a Canadian airliner who went to the washroom during a flight found himself locked out of the cockpit, forcing the crew to remove the door from its hinges to let him back in, the airline said Wednesday. The incident occurred aboard a flight from Ottawa to Winnipeg Saturday.

The regional jet, capable of carrying 50 people, was operated by Air Canada's Jazz subsidiary. Jazz spokeswoman Manon Stewart said that with 30 minutes of the flight to go, the pilot went to the washroom, leaving the first officer in charge. But when he tried to get back into the cockpit, the door would not open. " The door malfunctioned ... this is a very rare occurrence," Stewart said, adding that the crew's decision to remove the door had been in line with company policy.

A report in the Ottawa Citizen newspaper said that for about 10 minutes "passengers described seeing the pilot bang on the door and communicating with the cockpit though an internal telephone, but being unable to open the door."

Stewart said the paper's report was "a bit dramatic" and stressed that at no time had the plane or passengers been in danger. She did not say how many people had been on board.


Wouldn't that have totally sucked if the pilot had to yell landing instructions through the door to his co-pilot?

"STEWART, HAVE YOU PUT DOWN THE LANDING GEAR? WHAT? I SAID LANDING GEAR! WHAT'S YOUR SPEED? REDUCE FLAPS! FLAPS!!"

I'd rather have snakes on the plane. That's right JV. Snakes.

I my recent flight, there was no cockpit door. Not even a curtain. The guy flying our pontooned bird was within arms reach.



I was tempted to poke my head up there but he might have freaked out. We live in nervous times.



This is Vancouver Island. A lot of cool people live here. If I had to live anywhere else, this would be the place. The even have 7-11's! How great is that? Very great.

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Lord of the Dance

I was reading the always informative Albany Eye this morning and he referenced the "Lord of the Dance". Although he wasn't referring to me, he was, in fact, talking about me. I am the Lord of the Dance.

You want proof? OK, I'll show you a stack of magazines I get from information technology publishers every week. The rags are largely vehicles for selling crap, but sometimes contain semi-interesting articles that aren't veiled attempts to sell useless technology.

When filling out the online subscription forms for these magazines, they ask for "Job Title". This is what shows up on the mailing label right under your name. I made up several fake job titles, just to see if they noticed. "Lord of the Dance" was the first one, and when it came I was showing it off proudly around the office. I really felt like I was "Shamus O'Drunkahan, Lord of the Dance", since I was getting mail under that title. It was in print, so it had to be true.

Other titles I've held recently are "Macaroon Analyst", "Chief Technotronics Officer" and "The One".

Now it's a running gag. People get my mail out of the bin just to see what title I'm working under that month. For the record, I'm currently the "Director of Cyborg Relations". I think I'm keeping this one for a while. It just sounds cool.

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Let's Go Cruising!

Congratulations Carnival Cruiselines! You've won the award for most passengers/crew overboard in the last 10 years. And it wasn't even close - see the results here.

Oooops! They did it again!

If you're cruising in the near future, be safe. Carry a life preserver or portable inflatable raft with you at all times. And maybe a really good radio. Maybe keep a few bottles of water handy.




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Smurf-tastic

OK, I'll warn you up front that this flash piece is a bit rude, but in the interest of funny, I'm forced to post it. I laughed so hard that the insides of my eyeballs started to hurt a bit.

There are bunch of very sick, very funny people in this world. And the Internet is their tool for sharing their talents. I love you, Internet.

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You Are Now Free To Move About The Cabin

This pic of the "nude airlines" was forwarded around the office and it cracked me up, because you just know there are snickers and chortles when the flight attendant mentions having everything in a "full and upright position".

One suggestion - how about total seat covers? I'm a big believer in hygienic flights.

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Mark Your Calendars

Cedar Point Will Unveil Maverick

CLEVELAND -- A new ride will be unveiled at Cedar Point in Sandusky in the spring, NewsChannel5 reported.

The ride is located in Frontiertown, and guests will begin the ride by boarding steam-era-styled coaster trains.

The train will reach 105-feet on the first hill, and then take its passengers to 95-degree angle at speeds of up to 57 mph to within 5 feet above the ground.

Riders will drop 100 feet at a 95 degree angle at just under 60 mph.

The ride has a tunnel where it reaches a top speed of about 70 mph.


This is the 20th time I've said I need to see this place, so I've set a date. I'll be there at the park June 7, 2007.

I'm putting this out there now so everybody can save up and join me there.

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Caviar and Kettle One

I'm not impressed.

I was impressed with the wedding, very classy and brief. I was impressed with the reception, nothing but top shelf food and beverage. I was impressed with the location, scenic and elegant. And I was impressed our contingent partied well into the wee hours.

During the cocktail hour, we found a large display of caviar at the foot of giant block of ice holding various kinds of vodka. Kettle One was the odds on favorite. Someone at the table said she had never tried caviar, so I grabbed some toast points and added some black roe onto them. We ate them much like we had drank the shots of vodka, tossed them back. The salty flavor seemed to override any actual taste, at least to me.

Someone said the red caviar was better, but I had already discovered the pasta bar.

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Hard Charging

While changing the batteries on my toothbrush, I was reminded of an old co-worker, which I'll refer to as Greg. He was not the biggest go-getter of the group, but when he had a cause, look the eff out. One of his causes was batteries.

We had pagers at that job, because management needed to have a line to us at any hour of the day. I would turn mine off as soon as I left the office and just said that I lived in a "dead zone", no pager service there. Sorry!

The pagers ate batteries like a starving sumo wrestler, which meant we were changing them every month or so. During one team meeting, Greg said, "I have an important issue." This stopped the meeting dead, as he rarely participated in discussing team business, unless it was to de-construct some management decision. We waited with anticipation as he talked about battery use, and his idea for using re-chargeable batteries.

"The company could buy everyone a set of rechargeable batteries every year or two years - think of all the money that would save? And we wouldn't be changing batteries all the time. It would kill two birds with two stones."

He was the master of turning a phrase. He once said, "I know I'm beating a dead horse to death here, but..."

Personally, re-charging batteries is a good idea for personal things. But company wide (we're talking 20,000 employees) the logistics of that kind of standard would be expensive to implement and support. It means you have to remember to pop the batteries out every week and put them in a charger (at the office, most likely) and have a back up set to put in the pager while your other set charges, so you need 2 sets of batteries per person.

We brought up these cons to his idea, and he got grumpy. We just didn't recognize Greg's brilliance.

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Shorted

The last post got way too heavy. Let's fix that, shall we? Here's an uplifting story.


Boy's record claim given short shrift



KATHMANDU (Reuters) - A Nepali boy's hope of being declared the world's shortest was dismissed Monday by Guinness World Records which said he was too young to qualify.

Fourteen-year-old Khagendra Thapa Magar, who is 20 inches tall and weighs 10 pounds, will have to wait another four years before he can be considered as the world's shortest man.

The boy's family and friends had trumpeted his claim hoping it would get him funds for his education and heath care.

They said they had raised around $4,000 for a trust in his name by organizing shows where people can watch him dance and play.

The story made headlines in Nepal and around the world.

"There is a possibility that he could be the shortest person in the world, however Guinness World Records cannot examine more details until he reaches the age of 18 years," Amarilis Espinoza, a Guinness World Records spokeswoman, said by email from London.

"After that age, we will be happy to review the case," she said.

The current record is held by a Jordanian man, Younis Edwan, who is 25.5 inches tall, the London-based group said.

Magar has no formal schooling and likes to play with friends, offer prayers and watch television, his family said.


Personally, I'm pulling for the kid. I mean, there's no prize for being the second smallest person in the world.

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Fun Buddies

For the 3rd weekend in a row I was on the road, this weekend, Philly, and the annual College Buddies weekend. I knew things were going to be tough going when staring at a stack of 7 cases of Stella Artois - for 3 people. And my liver was still crying from the previous weekend in Victoria. It's such a wimp.

Spending a few days with college friends (and now thier kids) is always a kick. We end up playing games and enjoying beverages and playing on giant swingsets and it's always hilarious. These guys still crack me up. The funniest thing this weekend came from a line in "40 Year-Old Virgin", were Cal and David are making fun of each other by saying stuff like, "Know how I know you're gay? Because you have a rainbow bumber sticker with 'I'm Gay' on it." Then while playing a kids game called "Apples to Apples", the word "FUN" came up and one of the guys put the word "Buddies" after it. After all the Brokeback Monuntain jokes, it split my side. I guess you had to be there. Anyways.

This year, the tropical storm kept us inside most of the weekend, but we’re used to dangerous gatherings. It seems that every year SOMETHING happens during the weekend we’re together. Not so much to US, but in the news.

The first time, we were in Syracuse and tornado touched down at the State Fairgrounds nearby. The next year, Princess Diana died in a car crash in Paris. It seemed that every year, somebody famous died or some large disaster hit the news. Last year, Chief Justice Renquist died on the holiday weekend, and this year, Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin.

It's hard to feel sorry for a guy who appeared desperate to put himself (and sometimes his wife and children) in life-threatening situations. Major controversy arose during a public show back in 2004, when Irwin carried his infant son, Bob, in one arm while feeding a chicken carcass to a crocodile with the other hand. He basically pulled a Michael Jackson move. Not smart.

The articles about Irwin are saying that he died doing what he loved. To me, it wasn’t a good way to go. Because of his need for thrills his kids will grow up with their dad. I think when you bring a kid into the world you have to sacrafice certain things, you owe the kids a certain level of guidance, of support, and you have to give up those things that will interfere with your ability to deliver that.

Think about that, Evil Kenevil, Jr.

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