No boat? No problem.

Get r done, as they say.

And yeah, he's from Alabama. What about it?

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Shower Time

So it has been raining here for about 6 weeks. Not every day, but every second day, to be sure.

Our above-ground pool has been a drama this spring. It's a used pool, and when I put it up I did it wrong the first time, which led to having to take it down and re-do it. I burned a ton of hours and in the end I just ended up pissed off at myself. I could have achieved the same results slamming a car door on my hand.

So in the end I didn't end up putting up the pool myself, but it was an Amish barn-raising kind of event. My in-laws and parents were recruited, all helping to get the wobbling pool shell in place on the one day in weeks the we had a hot, burning sun beaming down. Well, the one way it was different from a Amish barn raising was the liberal amount of foul-mouthed cursing that was going on, mostly out of my mouth. The pool is over 10 years old and had previously collapsed, so some parts of the metal shell were wrinkled and rippled, which makes it near impossible to get into the bottom track.

After much anguish and vulgarities, the pool was up. A few truck loads of water later, the kiddies were as happy as Sponge Bob at the Krusty Krab.

The excessive rain has now filled the pool TOO much. Water is running over the lip and inside the liner which isn't good. So I went out this morning and turned on the filter to expel a few inches of water. After a few seconds of running, the exhaust hose separated halfway, and the water was pouring out close to the pool foundation. So, dressed in my nicely pressed work clothes I reached over to re-connect the hoses.

Yeah, I should have turned the filter off first. Have you ever tried to put a nozzle on a hose while the hose is running? Same effect, except this hose is almost 2 inches in diameter. In seconds my lower torso and arms was soaked. Like, drenched.

So, back in the house, remove the wet clothes and towel off. Getting dressed for the second time for the day is never as much fun as the First time, especially since this time I have to find clothes in the pitch dark because the wife is still sleeping. I lay out my clothes the night before for just this reason - finding matching socks in the blind is a beyatch.

I told you this story as my excuse for my appearance yesterday, just in case you saw me.

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Welcome to (My) Paradise

I did a google search on the smallest countries in the world. Why? Because it's the first step in my plan for taking over a country. Yes, I have a plan for locating and taking over a small country, preferably in a tropical location, and preferably with a peaceful coup.

Scanning the list, I ruled out the Vatican (too old and crusty) and Monaco (too close to France - sorry Neesha). Nauru seemed like a possibility, until I read that they rely on diminishing phosphate deposits. No thanks! Have you ever smelled phosphate?

Then I found Tuvalu, the fourth smallest independent country in the world (in terms of land area). In a word, Yahtzee!

The Island was formerly owned by the Brits, freed back in 1978 when the Queen abandoned all of their ill-gotten Empire back to their natives. This means they speak English, and I don't have to learn some wacky dialect.

There are no formal political parties and election campaigns are largely on the basis of personal/family ties and reputation. I like this, that means it's a very informal place. I bet they don't even wear ties. Like ever.

Tuvalu has no regular military forces, and spends no money on the military. That means if I bring a really pointy stick, I'll be the man.

The country has almost no natural resources, and its main form of income consists of foreign aid. This is where I work my way into their good graces, become a god of sorts, by giving them an economic goldmine.

Nestled between Hawaii and Australia, it's in about the right area to be the fictional Island featured on Lost. I would propose a huge tourist campaign based on that TV show, and offer a vacation package from the US.

All that would be needed is building a replica of the Bunker, set up a beach to look like the crash site, and set up some huge speakers in the jungle to play large animal noises. Voila! You have the "Lost Fantasy Camp"!

People would pay big bucks to be flown in and have a few days of living in the world of Lost. They could wander the jungle, hearing strange noises. Maybe have "The Others" kidnap one or two a day and keeping them in a tiger pit.

But that's all details I can work out later. Meanwhile, I would live in a comfortable house up in the hills, accepting the gratitude of this newly-rich nation, of which I will be the beloved leader.

If you're nice, I'll hook you up with a 2 fer 1 coupon.

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Happy Friday

Happy Birthday, kid.

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Good Stuff Somewhere Else

It's been a while since I've done a blog entry referral, but if you haven't been to Pheonix's place in a little while, check this out.

Wild, man.

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beep beep bo beeeeeep

Can't say I was surprised to read this.

NEW YORK (CNNMoney.com) - The use of cell phones at work is being limited by many companies as more workers object to the noisy beeps and ring tones from personal calls at work, a newspaper reported Tuesday.

USA Today reported that 30 percent of employees cited cell phones ringing at work as their No. 1 pet peeve at the office.

Well, besides people using the phone while in the bathroom. That's still my #1 peeve.

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Lemonade

My little girl has been jones-ing for a Lemonade stand since last year. She wanted to have one last fall, on a rainy Saturday, so I needed to explain the selling point of the product. She didn't understand. "People will stop and buy from ME!".

On a sunny February Sunday, she came to me again with the improved business plan. "How about today? Look how sunny it is!". "Honey, it's 5 degrees." Again, she didn't get it. You may think it's strange, but it's actually hard trying to convince a little kid who has their mind set on something to see any logic. Kids just don't work that way.

Father's Day here in Upstate New York was sunny and 80 degrees by 9 am. After my special breakfast (and I got to sleep in until 9am!) she proposed her Lemonade Stand idea and it was a perfect match. We set up a small table and umbrella by the road, with a sign that said, "Lemonade - Ice Cold!". She sat there with her change box and waited for all the cars to start pulling in. At first business was a little slow, which had her a bit down. I told her to keep her head up and make sure to wave at the people in the cars - make that personal contact, like the greeters at Wal-Mart do.

As the morning went on, the cars began stopping. The lemonade finally went dry after the Mormon Church down the street let out and a caravan of thirsty sinners showed up. When the dust settled, she shlepped about 30 servings in under 2 hours. As she munched on her lunch, she wondered aloud what else she could sell out there. After counting all the change, and recalling all the waving and cute small-talk she had to come up with to push the lemonade, she was already looking for something with a larger payout, and less effort.

I was no help. I said she should put her one arm in a sling and make a small sign that said, "self-serve". That way she has less work, but the pity factor would be awesome. Who could drive by THAT scene?

Well, besides me, I mean.
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More Great Ideas I Have

Here are two new ideas spawned by everyday annoyances!

The Hands-Free "I'm on the phone!" Headlight


The help desk folks at work walk around with their wireless headsets on, and as you talk to them, they suddenly start talking to someone else, who has magically come over their headsets.

What they need is a fireball light they wear on their head, and it goes off when they are on a call. When you see the light flashing, you know they are talking to someone else, and you won't keep rambling on about your latest medical procedure while they are trying to solve a login issue.

And yes, it will come in all sorts of fashionable colors.



The "What You Should Be Doing" Church Position Indicator

Nothing is worse than being at church and not knowing what position you need to be in. Should we be standing now? Kneeling? Don't ask me, I was sleeping too. Now we can all tell by looking at the wall indicator with the appropriate position lit. Now all people will feel like they are part of the chosen people when they visit a Catholic church service. Amen!


Both should be ready for Christmas.

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Judy

Not much fun today kids, I need to say goodbye to a friend. She had that amazing "thing" which rubs off on you and makes you happy by just seeing her for 2 minutes.

May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind always be at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
and rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

Thanks for everything, Judy.

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It's Only A Joke....

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

Rock On

After more years than I care to recall, I'm back on the throne.

The drum throne, that is. I picked up this kit yesterday.



Just imagine them in teal. And with double bass pedals. Sa-weet. It's going to be a loud weekend.

Rock on, everybody.

Swerve

Time to wipe away my sour puss and talk about something happy. How about all the animals I haven't hit in my car recently?

I have a new car, and it's a sporty little number that is very fun to drive, especially on the twisty country roads I roll along going to and from work. In the last two weeks, several animals have attempted to martyr themselves under my new wheels. Christen my new baby in their blood, as it were.

The good news, is I have been able to swerve, brake or drive safely over all comers. Here's the list of animals I almost pasted:

3 Turtles - They don't move fast, but you have to zig zag to drive over them and not get them with your wheels. Nice shell, Donatello, but it's not going to protect you from my Toyo's!

2 bunnies - You'd think they would move faster than they actually do. So far, they have been just fast enough, but not nearly as speedy as ....

4 squirrels - These guys can fly when they don't second guess themselves. However, they often stop halfway across and reverse direction. Bad idea, Rocky. I've driven over 2 of them, but watched them scamper off in my rearview mirror.

2 deer - These dudes are the worst! One totally froze, causing me to test the stopping distance of my car, while the other bounded out of the woods and I had to swerve around him. Or her. It.

I hit a deer with my S-10 truck coming home from hockey late one night. Leaped right out and I swerved but my side mirror caught it in the head and then it hit my back quarter panel. It ran off into the woods so I don't know how bad it was hurt. Cause a few grand in damage. Effin hooligans.

Damn, there's me getting all angry again. I guess this wasn't such a happy goddam topic after all.

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3 Reasons the Movies Blow

I'm a movie guy, always have been. In the last year, though, I've only been out a half dozen times. Why? Because people suck. This is why I predict in 10 years movie theaters will be a rarity. People won't put up with this garbage forever, as the declining movie attendance numbers prove. That's right. Kiss the megaplex's goodbye, baby.

As society slowly breaks down, manners become rare as tv shows with real actors. My list of issues with bad behavior in a movie theater are these:

People coughing on the back of my neck - Nothing ruins the magic of a movie like wet phlegm landing on the back of my neck after a sneeze from someone in the row behind me. Yes, this really happened. It was last summer at "Star Wars Episode 3". I wanted to turn around and say, "Next time, tap me on the should and I'll turn around and open my mouth. That way, you'll be sure to give me whatever you have." Dick.

Cell phone conversations - I guess I'm a freak about manners, but cell phone people are notorious for being inconsiderate in all sorts of settings. Here's a news flash - I don't want to hear your inane cell phone conversation, not while in line at Price Chopper, not sitting the next table over in a restaurant, and especially not when I'm trying to watch Jessica Simpson prance about the silver screen wearing Daisy Dukes. Turn it off for a few hours, you insecure moron.

Little kids (and even babies) in adult-orientated movies - I know not everyone can get a baby-sitter, but that doesn't give you the right to bring your brats to the theater so they can cry and talk the whole time. I've experienced this 3 times in the past year. I don't thing Episode 3 is appropriate for a 5 year old, and I doubt the crying baby enjoyed "The DiVinci Code" last weekend. Unless by crying it was showing enjoyment. If you have taken the step to have kids, then you should accept the fact you have to miss out on some things, like going to the movies if you can't get a sitter. They have these things, called DVDs and videos. So you have to wait a few months to see the latest Jennifer Aniston bomb. Deal with it, you inconsiderate fuckwit.

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Choke

The first day on the job can be stressful.

Even taking that into account, I still don't think this guy has a long career ahead of him.

Wicked uncomfortable to watch. Which means it's kinda funny.

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