Young Chuck Norris

This music video about Young Chuck Norris is from SNL. Don't be drinking soda while watching it, you might snort it out through your nose laughing.

I know, because I did.

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Fly The Effed Up Skies

The airlines are flying a new idea, Standing Room on commercial aircraft.

That's right. The narrow, scrunched seats are just not uncomfortable enough for the Industry, now they believe people would stand for hours to save a few bucks. You can bet the standing room will be a compacted area right near the johns.

Screw that. My idea is better - The O'Drunkahan harness!



You are assigned your harness during the pre-board process, and put it on over your clothes. When you get on the plane, two burly flight attendants hoist you up to your "travel hook". The gentle swinging motion will put you to sleep in moments after takeoff, while the people in business class get creeped out by the sight of the bodies hanging around them like salted hams in a butcher shop.

Enjoy your flight!

Conspiracy for Lunch

I eat lunch with a diverse collection of folks, some say a strange collection of deviants and misanthropes. Life is too short to have boring lunches, is my philosophy.

The lunch table usually consists of people from the Information Systems area (programmers, help desk, network guys) and the discussion revolves around a wide array of topics, none of it serious. Something about people who work with computers is that they develop strong sarcasm skills. This suits me fine, as I have a bad habit of trying to inject levity into every serious discussions. It's like a nervous tick from childhood, I get very uncomfortable when the drama starts and I look for ways to crack a joke. Did I mention I have issues?

The other day I ended up having lunch with a guy I hadn't hung out with (one on one) before. Everybody else had lunch plans, so we ended up heading out for a slice of pizza. Just as I bit into my slice of Hawaiian he surprised me by bringing up 911. No, not the Porche, or the emergency phone number, but the terrorist event.

He asking me if I thought it happened like the Bush Administration said it happened. I said I did, for the most part. I figured they held back some details but the broad strokes were solid. He probed further by asking if I had seen the Michael Moore film about it? Nope. Had I seen the video called "Loose Change", which pokes serious holes in the administration's report on the events of that day? Nope. He went on to hit the highlights; the missing gold from the vault in the twin towers, the studies how the jet fuel could not have brought the buildings down, and other stuff.

Could it all be a giant cover up? Maybe. Some things are impossible to disprove, which makes it a feasible option to those who can't be convinced otherwise. All I know is when I go out for a piece of pizza, I don't want to talk about a horrific event like 9/11. It's a topic that I still can't stomach yet. Can't we just talk about the Soprano's? Like how many episodes until Artie Buca get's one in the head? It's won't be long, I bet.

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Hooked on a Feelin

Nothing can cheer you up a rainy Sunday like David Hasselhoff.

And yes, it's worse then the David Hasselhoff Recursion. Much worse.

(thanks Rob)

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Son Of A Bitch

So

effin

wrong.

I just want to spit right now. Really makes the day go by fast knowing I have a weekend cooped up in the house awaiting me after a week of the most gorgous weather in a year.

(spit)

Pale Force

I saw Jim Gaffigan do his standup live back in January and have been a big fan ever since. He has a very unusual style - a twisted commentary on life, during which he changes voices to one of a person sitting in his audience watching him, and making remarks about his act. Hard to explain, but it's hilarious.

Check out a few minutes of his act from his new comedy DVD Beyond The Pale. This bit is about Hotpockets.

This is a funny segment with Conan O'Brien about a cartoon he created called "Pale Force". This superhero gives hope to all us pale Irish kids out there.

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Another Show We Stole From The Brits

"The Office" cracks me up. The writing is excellent with vivid characters that makes you say, "Hey, I know that guy." Well, I say that, because I do know that guy, the boss. Not the actor, and I've never had a boss who acted like that, but in real life I know a gut who acts like Steve Corell does in his character on the show. No shit. Adds a whole different level of funny to the show.

Anyways. I've been curious to see how the original BBC version of "the Office" compared to the NBC version. Bob's your uncle, I found a clip comparing two versions of the same scene, the dance-off on the Booze Cruise episode (NBC version) and the Comic Relief Day episode from the original BBC version.

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The Long Road

There's peaks and valleys, folks. The family is in a valley currently, but the road is rising before us. Meanwhile, enjoy this important fake story about robots.

MIT Fraternity Accused Of Robot Hazing

and if that doesn't make you laugh, this blog will. (Thanks, Jon!)

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MENSA is for Lazy People

Whenever I hear about MENSA I kind of flip out a little bit. I used to think they were some special organization, and super think tank of the brightest and swiftest minds in the country, and the world. In college a professor outlined the origins of the special organization, talking in reverent, hush tones, like we were discussing some The Knights of Columbus, or the Masons.

The big difference is that you never hear that MENSA accomplishes anything. Somehow, all that amazing brain power has failed to crack a medical, social or political issue of any kind. Instead you hear about how they have gatherings to get together to play games and talk in palindromes.

I finished a book a little while back about a dude who decided to read the encyclopedias from A-Z. Somewhere during that task he assumed he should join MENSA, as a validation to his awesome intellect. His report on the MENSA gathering was enough to convince me that being dumb is way more fun. And more productive.

They go through the pains to determine who the most intellectual people are, weeding the wannabies out with standards and test results, and for what? As an organization they don’t seem too motivated to use their cranial muscles to do much else then try and figure out clever riddles and make obscure Dr. Who references.

That’s like the Justice League of America getting together to play laser tag. Or Texas Holdem. Solve some crimes, you lazy bastards.



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3 Second Rule

My commute is 25 -30 minutes or country road driving. The county highway is posted at 55 mph and it's rare that Troopers set up traps along there, so traffic moves at a nice 60 mph and everyone is happy.

Well, almost everyone.

Every few weeks you get "Mr. I'm From Downstate and Need To Drive 70 All The Time" or "Miss I Left Late and Now Am Making Up Time While Applying My Make-up". These folks stick out, because they are tailgating the people who are already over the speed limit Just not over ENOUGH for them.

I'm a big believer in the 3 second rule, especially out in the country where there is limited visibility and frisky deer are jumping this way and that. Unlike the Long Island Expressway, if you drive right up your ass of the car in front of you, bad things tend to happen. I have a little drill I run with these folks, kind of a drivers ed refresher course.

Like this morning, I had a white SUV on my tail with a woman hunched over the wheel like she was on Lap 499 at Daytona. Apparently 61 mph wasn't working for her, yet she didn't just pass me. There were no cars behind her, and the road ahead was clear, so I enrolled her in my drivers ed course entitled, "What Happens When You Don't Have Room To Stop". I stepped on the brakes and dropped to 50, not a hard stop, but leaving the brakes lights on so it seems like I'm still slowing down, even though I actually had the gas on as well, just in case she wasn't paying attention. I watched in my mirror as she panicked, jamming on her brakes and sending something on her front seat flying. I saw her scrambling to re-assemble whatever it was on her passenger seat, and could almost hear her cursing me out. I resumed 60 and this time she stayed 3 seconds back.

She didn't thank me, unless the ranting she was doing in my rear-view mirror for the next few miles was appreciative comments directed at my little life lesson I had just shared.

No need to thank me. I'm here to help.

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Is it me or...

are we being screwed? Three bucks a gallon?

Is it un-patriotic to discuss this issue as well? I mean, I'm happy for the oil companies doing so well and all, and we should look at the bright spots of the economy where they exist, but I can't help feeling like I'm getting kicked in the groin every time I fill up my car these days.

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Head Case

I want to know how this guy did this.


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Call Me Crazy

I effin KNEW it.

I've written about the dangers of cell phones several times, but up until now, none of the studies found a conclusive link. Since a friend of mine died of rare brain cancer some years ago (she was a heavy cell phone user) I've been suspicious.

"Kjell Mild, who led the study, said the figures meant that heavy users of cell phones, for instance, or who make cell phone calls for 2,000 hours or more in their lives, had a 240 percent increased risk for a malignant tumor on the side of the head where the phone is used."

It doesn't mean all you cell phone users will get tumors, but if your DNA is configured to have a predisposition for tumors, the radiation can trigger that process to start. As this article proposes, the cell phone industry rivals the Tobacco Industry for suppressing the harmful effects of it's addictive product. Studies revealing the links between cancer and cell phone use have been buried or discredited by the cell industry, and insiders who have released less-than-flattering results have been likewise slammed by the cell companies.

"Meanwhile, more studies keep coming, and they seem to be getting worse. A study funded by the European Union reported last December that radio waves from mobile phones do, definitively, damage DNA and other cells in the body--and that the damage extended to the next generation of cells."

So the good news is that global waming and the depletion of fossil fuels won't be the demise of our great grandkids after all. Phew! I was getting worried there for a while.

Rock me, Amadeus

I really enjoy it when somebody takes the guitar to a new level.

Zack Kim, you magnificent bastard.

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Don't Bother Praying For That Goiter

Well, the scientific and religious communities were abuzz this week, as a new $2.4M study revealed a shocker - praying for someone to get better doesn't help get them better.

In fact, the study found some of the patients who knew they were being prayed for did worse than others who were only told they might be prayed for -- though those who did the study said they could not explain why.

Makes you wonder if the money could have maybe been used for something like - oh I don't know - cancer research maybe?

It comes down to this; if praying for someone to get better helps you deal with things, then by all means do it. But if you have a choice between taking someone to the hostpital who is spurting blood all over your burber carpet and holding a prayer circle for them, you should think about treating them to a ride in an ambulance and then pray for them later.


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Dude, Let's Get The Band Back Together