Go Ahead, Throw The First Stone

I often use this space to share stuff that I used to forward around in email. I got the one below from New Guy (henceforth dubbed "Rob", since there's now a new New Guy (girl, actually).

Christmas is coming, and you're asking yourself, what am I going to buy little Tommy or little Betty? The XBOX360's are a bit scarce. Hmm, maybe an action figure. Something wholesome? May we suggest THIS?

Hey, I only linked to it, so I'm not going to hell. At least not for that.

Uncle Noise Nazi

I wonder if I can hear this noise? I have sensitive ears, to the extent that I can hear if the TV is on, either with the sound off, or if the kids turned off the vcr and satellite receiver and left the TV on, thought the screen is dark. I've complained before about the buzzing in the nearby K-Mart store, and now I'm wondering if only those with sensitive hearing notice? That would exclude the zombies that work there, who appear to have been lobotomized. Even the flashing blue light fails to get any response. Sometimes I want to tap them on the noggin and ask, "Hello? McFly?"

When my nieces and nephews are over, the volume in our house goes insane and I'm forever reminded them that they are standing next to each other, that yelling probably is overkill. Especially so at 6am. I'm Uncle Noise Nazi.

Music is one thing I love loud. It's meant to be loud. When I'm home alone, the music gets cranked. We have no neighbors so I can get the house shaking and nothing makes me feel as good as a pumping track, bass thumping inside my chest and rattling my teeth. I'm surprised I'm not half deaf, so what's up with the bat hearing thing?

Flash forward 50 years from now, I'll be sitting in a chair screaming, "Will somebody answer that damn phone!" and the nurse will shake her head and say, "I can't Mr. Shamus, that ringing is in your own head!"

Rock on.



I don't know this guy, but I thought it was a cool picture. Yes, that might be puke on his shirt.

Commercials that twist my drawers

Got to relax and watch some serious tube over the holiday. Did you SEE the Rangers game last night? It went to a shootout, then through 15 shooters on each side until Malik pulled a Lemiuex shot to end it. One of the greatest endings to a game I've ever seen.

Nothing ruins a nice boob-tube session like an annoying commercial. I'm not talking boring, I mean the ones that cause you to flip to something, ANYTHING else. Here's a short list of recent offenders.

Travlocity - eff your knome and his crappy adventures. Who on your payroll is telling you they are funny ads? Stick the knome up their ass.

McDonalds - No, I'm not lovin it. I've never seen any staff that resemble the ones in your commercial, and the food doesn't look like that either.

Olive Garden - You're the McDonalds of Italian food. And the wait is longer and there's no happy meal. And guess what? Your bread sucks.

Dodge Hemi - Are you so sad you're going to runout and buy the truck because it has a hemi? You are? Then these ads are your effin fault. Thanks, dickhead.

Peptol Bismol - I feel bad for these actors, I know they're just trying to work. Do you think they tell friends and family they got the job? "Hey Mom. Yeah I got the Bismol ad. That's me doing the 'I got the shits' dance. The director said I showed real hutzpa."

Laugh, you bastards

I don't know about you, but after a few helpings of family, I could use a heaping scoop of Funny.

Please pass the gravy.

What AreThey Really Thinking?

In the picture below, Steve and Terri Irwin help Buddy the Tortoise celebrate 175 years of life. But what are they REALLY thinking?



Terri: Why doesn't a croc or something kill him already?

Steve: Why won't my career take off? I'm sick of getting my ass nipped by crocs.

Buddy the Tortoise: I survived 175 years and this is the party I get? Kill me now and turn me into a handbag.

What Penn Believes

NPR has a series called "This I Believe", and today Penn from Penn and Teller submitted this essay.

I always have trouble putting my thoughts on this issue into words, but Penn did it very well. Except for the jello part.

Fireball In Your Rear-View

In high school, we knew this guy named Mike had an immaculate fire-engine red AMC Hornet.It had a white stripe on the side, almost like the swoosh on the Starsky and Hutch car from the 70's.


Being a wizard with electric stuff, he had wired some special tricks into the car, including a switch that turned his headlamps into "wig-wags" (alternating flashing, like on police cars of that time) and plug-ins for several external gizmos, like a red and blue dashboard fireball. The fireball was a revolving strobe light of red and blue which he had ordered out of Popular Mechanics.

With his CB radio antennae on the back trunk, the car looked like it could be some sort of Mountie car, and at night it was a dead ringer. He also had a custom loudspeaker under the hood with multiple horn sounds (including a siren) and he could use the CB hand mike to talk through it. You can see where this is going, right?

So after a few brews, we'd sit on some dark back road and wait for a car-load of kids to go by in a truck or car and then pull out after them, hitting the wig wags and fireball lights as we came up behind them. He would turn on the loudspeaker and order the driver out, maybe the passengers as well. He would demand they assume the spread-eagle position on their trunk or walk over to stand in a field next to the car. One of us would hold a large halogen spotlight on the kids for extra effect. After harassing them for a while we would turn off all the lights and speed off, laughing.

One night Mike was meeting us to go into the city. Stinky, Sparks, Tim and I were going to drive by Ladner to meet him, then drive in together. On the way there, Sparks picked a car fight with some guy in a Mercedes. The guy was driving too close to his bumper and that made Sparks mad. He had a lot of rules about driver etiquette (for other drivers, of course, not him) and when he came across an offender, it could get ugly. He proceeded to box the guy in over the next 15 kilometers, slowing down and speeding up to keep the Benz from getting free. The big engine of the Delta 88 roaring and coasting as the big car kept the Mercedes from overtaking him in the slow lane. Sparks loved this game and was damn good at it.

The dude in the Benz finally lost his cool and nearly clipped our back panel. Looking back, we could see his red face and almost hear the profanities he was yelling from inside his car. Soon we were roaring along at 130km trying to outrun the guy, who was still right on our tail and no longer looking to pass, but wanted us to pull over for a conversation. We weren't too keen on that idea.

We sped off the main highway onto the side road to Ladner, the Benz still behind us. We flew past Mike sitting in a parking lot, the red car crouched patiently waiting for us. Mike quickly put things together and came after us, hitting his lights and fake siren behind the Benz who reluctantly broke off and pulled over. Mike sped past him as if after us. I could almost see the smile on the guys face, thinking that we were getting our comeuppance. Meanwhile, we were in the Safeway parking lot laughing while filling Mike in on what he had missed.

It was a good start to the night.

Anything Else To Say, Anney??

In the last post, my sister had a few comments about my old acid wash jeans from the 1990's. So I wanted to share some of her fashions from that era.



Who loves ya, Sis?

Advanced Yoga Techniques

Yet another case like Mr. Miagi and the Karate Kid, where the student has become the master.

The first picture is of the Yoga teacher, a man with skills far beyond the reach of most pilates teachers.

The second the Scottish student who has mastered the techniques, specifically the one demonstrated by the teacher in the picture. (click on pics for full size)








Thanks to Pat for the pics!

2016 Is Looking Good

It's been a while since I reminded everyone that the Robots are going to take over the world in the next 10 years. Look around and you'll see that intelligent robots that can perform tasks usually reserved for humans are starting to creep into mainstream society. Once people get used to seeing them in daily life, humans will be ripe for the takeover -which is inevitable once the Mechanical Ones achieve self-awareness.

Yes, it all sounds like the plot from Terminator, but everyone knows James Cameron found a time machine in 1984 and used it to go to the future where he stole the movie idea from our unwritten history.

There are a few jobs I will be extremely elated to see an efficient, well-mannered robot preforming:

Bagel Guy at Price Chopper - Granted, I don't see him much anymore, but after over 2 years of going in there he still has no clue what I will be ordering. Do I expect him to know my name or pop an Everything bagel into the toaster the moment he sees me? No. But just a glimmer of recognition behind those aged eyes would be a treat. It's sad to think the Bakery Robot is going to showup a human in the whole customer service angle, but it will.

The Home Depot Crew - I don't mean to single out HD, because Lowes is equally bad at customer service. There are 5 employees in the whole 20 acre store, and only 1 of the five knows what a hammer is. I go to the store only because I work right across the street, but in the end, I have to take the Saturday morning trip to the local hardware store to find someone who knows anything aboutn what they are selling. So staffing these places with robots will be a huge improvement. The robots are much less prone to pilfering of the merchandise and goofing off as well, unlike the sales kids in Lowes who are whacking each other with collapsable rakes while I'm trying to find someone to help me find a wax toilet seal. Anybody?

The DMV - When it was said, "You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy." Obi Wan Kenobi was referring to Mos Eisley Spaceport, but he could have easily been making a crack about the local DMVoffices. I suppose dealing with this clientele takes it's toll on even the nicest person, but attitude you get from the workers at the DMV is way off the bitterness scale. In the future, a robot will greet people entering the DMV and immediately turn away people who are carrying livestock, screaming babies or anyone in need of soapy bath. From there, the process will be a walk in the park, as the robots assist in the completion of the bizarre and
confusing forms, so that even the illiterate folks can get their vanity license plates in 10 minutes or less.

I can't wait to get my drivers license renewed in 2016.

Falling Down Stairs

I saw a list of the famous people who died after falling down stairs and it brought my 22nd birthday to mind.

Stinky and my brother Tim were in charge of the festivities. Here's how the night went:

- Pre-Dinner drinks while driving around Cloverdale, which is a rural farm town near Vancouver, BC.
- Elegant dinner at the Cloverdale McDonalds.
- After dinner drinks in a box car behind the McDonalds. You haven't lived until you've hoisted cheap champagne in a stinking box car while hobo's try and crash your party.
- Stumbled across the street to lowbrow Gentleman's club which I think was called the "Grand Prix".
- Offered coke (the powdered kind - and yes, I passed on the invite) in bathroom by the house DJ who said he knew me from summer school. Turned out he was the friend of a friend, and the only memory I could dredge up about him from that time was him pitching his math book into the trash can as we walked out on the last day and he proclaimed, "No more numbers for this dude!"
- Drank shots off a dancer/bartender who went by the name "Sabrina" who I kept calling "Spleener" and she didn't think it was funny. I did.
- Was asked to leave by bouncer after calling Sabrina Spleener for the hundredth time. While complying, fell down staircase with like 4 million stairs. I was apparently laughing the whole time.
- Vomited out the window of Tim's car while driving in the Surrey flats. Recall thinking "I don't remembering eating THAT!"
- Woke up feeling like I had wrestled an angry bear all night.
- Washed the dried vomit off the side of Tim's car. Still didn't recall eating whatever it was.


No thanks to Stinky and Tim, I almost joined the list of famous people who died after falling down stairs:

1 Edna St Vincent Millay - poet and playwright (1950)
2 Fritz Wunderlich - German tenor singer (1966)
3 Sandy Denny - folk singer (1978)
4 Laura Ashley - fashion designer (1985)
5 Giles Gordon - writer / literary agent (2003)
6 Rod Price - former guitarist with blues-rockers Foghat (2005)

The Package Has Arrived

I applied for the Federal Home Heating Suppliment Program and this is what I got:




Crap.

This Will Go Down On Your Permanent Record

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I wouldn't have lasted a week in the high school of 2005.

I read articles like THIS and realize I would have been booted for even a fraction of the crap I used to pull. This poor kid streaked semi-in-the-buff across a football field and got suspended for a week! We had six of seven guys that would streak around the field every time we scored at the Friday Night football game, with "Go Irish!" painted on their backs and wearing nothing else but their Fighting Irish pride. Everybody laughed, even our Christian Brother taskmasters. And they would have been the first to beat the holy spirit into those guys, believe me.

In shop class in Grade 8 there was a competition to create the best weapon. Nunchucks, clubs, even wooden swords were fabricated while the elderly instructor sat on a stool in the front of the room rambling on about the dangers of modern power equipment and telling about the time he lost his pinky finger in the damn band saw. Today, the kids carve name placks using a computer where they draw the design on a screen with a mouse, then click "carve" and a laser router does the work behind a safety shield. Lame.

Then again, we didn't have to go through metal detectors to get into school, and we could tell jokes that used a word like "bomb" or "drink" in them without finding ourselves in the back of a patrol car, unlike today.

Not that there weren't incidents with kids and weapons. The craziest thing I ever saw were a cluster of pipe bombs made from roman candles and aluminum tent poles that one kid had brought in. His plans were of blowing up garbage cans during lunch hour, not some evil plot of revenge on school property. Nobody ever got really hurt as a result of the hi-jinx, although
my pal Andre shot a car with a bow and arrow by accident. He only got after-school detention, where today he would have been expelled and be attending mandatory psychological counseling.

I know it's a different world now. There have been several horrific school shootings and terrorist incidents. Even so, one has to ask if streaking calls for such a severe reprimand? Do they fear that going easy on him will lead to copy-cat streakers? C'mon folks. It's just people running around in thongs.

I wanted to end with a picture of Frank the Tank streaking, but couldn't find one.

He's my hero when it comes to running around devoid of clothing.
"We're streaking to the quad!"

My Redneck Past Keeps Nipping At My Heels

Visiting my brother and his clan in Boston always makes for a frenzied weekend. This time around, Tim hooked us up with tickets to a concert, and so we left the kids with a sitter and rolled into the big city for a night on Bean Town.

The concert was Ben Folds. Need I say how good it was? Well I will anyways.



My only complaint was there were two opening acts, one a whining singer with a single issue to sing about over and over. The scond act "The Frey" were a Coldplay knockoff. My issue with them was they were under the impression that people were there to see them rather than Ben. Sorry guys, your name wasn't even on the billing! And PS, it's bush league to sign autographs in the isle. Go out and stand by your t-shirts to take pictures with the 14 year olds who think you're bitchin cool.

My brother and his wife hadn't been to one of Ben's shows before and were surprised how people sang along to every word of his songs. Yep, it's that kind of show. He hit several of my favorites in the first set, including "Trusted", "Gone" and "Goodmorning Son". He played a few new unfinished tunes he has been messing with during sound checks, filling some of the verses with humming or lines like "...and I don't have words for this part yet..."

Ben even played "In Between Days" which is a cover of the Cure song. Sorry Cure, he does it way better.

Today, the ride back through the Berkshires to Greenville. There's still color on the trees so the ride is very pleasing to the eye.

The only downer of the weekend is that being away we missed Carly's, birthday bash yesterday. Sorry C! I bet it was a hoot.

Innocent Questions About Camel Toads

Another find from my pal JS - second gem this week. Nicely done.
I have no idea if this was a prank or not, but it's funny either way.


(click it to see full size)

Fight or Flight

My pal JS sent me this clip from America's Funniest Videos. Let's just say, I would definately want this dude watching my back in a bar.

Check it out.

Ouch.

Super Sugar Stregnth

Trick or Treating is different where I live. The houses are too far apart, so the kids get driven from house to house. They get exercise though, running the long driveways from the car to the house and back. The houses don't see many kids (we had a total of 3 groups last night) so each house gives a generous handful of goodies. After only 6 houses they have a very full bag.



The kids went dressed as the Incredibles, Dash and Violet. Emily liked wearing a wig.



Dan said, "Hey Dad, I have on my Batman socks!"
The kid just gets it. Nearly brought a tear to my eye.



My job is to hand out the candy at home, then inspect the candy afterwards. It was a good year for the inspector. I had to quarantine a lot of questionable candy. So far, it's all turned out to be fine, but you can't be too careful.