Gone Fishing

I'll be on vacation for the next 2 weeks. Some stuff may appear here during that time, but then again, maybe not. We're off to wilds of British Columbia to see family and friends and to see if pehaps I can interject myself in this whole NHL Lockout situation. Game on, eh?

Speaking of Canada, and pranks, TC sent this one by. Some guys fooled a newscrew that they were part of the Canadian Hide and Seek team, which is a new exhibition sport for the next olympics.

Cheers,
Shamus

Prank #121 - The Tow

I've never been too good with authori-tay, and in college I had the good fortune of falling in with a bunch of skids who had similar opinions. We're all respectable now, one of us even became a decorated law man. So it just goes to show.

But back at school we fought the power. Our weapon of choice was the school paper, which we were all on in various staff positions. We exposed the raw and often seedy underbelly of both the administration, and it's puppets on the Student Council. This success we had doing this led to the firing of the editor, and the resignation of all but one of the staff. But that's a tale for another day.

The other evil force in our little galaxy were the Resident Assistants. For the most part, these were ok guys, but a faction of them were drunk on their limited power and loved to hassle people for minor or even non-infractions to the housing and campus laws. We were often at the brunt of these turds, not from the RA's in the houses we frequented, but often RA's that saw us having fun and decided to inject themselves in our lives.

One RA in particular used to call security on us if we cooked out on the balcony and maybe had a beverage or two that was of the fermented origin. This was college folks, and having a cheese dog and Milwaukee's Best on a Friday night was the law of the land. Well, she didn't think so, and had a bunch of people written up for it, putting the kibosh on our little tradition.

We had tentacles in all areas of the school, and very excellent relations to the maintenance and security staff. We procured the name of the towing company that worked for the school, and the password that was needed when school officials called to have cars towed when illegally parked. The password was to prevent just anyone from calling and having a car towed. Did I mention we had the password?

One weekend not too long after having our tradition shat upon by the nazi RA, we learned she was having a nice weekend away from school. Even better, she had left her car in the lot. Within an hour, we had the BBQ going strong, cheese dogs roasting and the Beast was cold. We toasted the tow truck as he rolled into the lot, found her car and hooked it up.

The sight of her car rolling out of the lot hanging off the back of that wrecker was sweet, sweet justice.

Tour de Pants

Tour De France Returns to Naked Roots

PARIS (SNN) - Organizers of the 2005 Tour de France announced that starting this year, racers will be given the option of riding as the original cyclists did - in the buff.


Racers prepare for the 2005 Tour.

"Ze race hass a long standing tradition of riders rolling nude through ze countryside." spokesman Jean-Michelle Claude explained through his heavy French accent. "So now, zis option, zis is back."

After an extensive market research campaign aimed at boosting viewership and fan participation in the 600 - year old cycling event, the team returned with several ideas including using throwback jerseys. Taking that suggestion one step further, the Racing Council de France decreed that racers could shuck the often heavy Spandex racing togs for their own birthday suit.

Race organizers were unsure how many teams would participate in the new "au naturel" option.

"Well, the Italians for sure." Team France cyclist Guy Fawlkes confirmed. "We have trouble keeping those guys in their clothes as it is."

Some racers have not fully embraced the news of garmentless cycling.

Six-time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong of Austin, Texas was overheard commenting, "Have they ever tried riding a bike nude? How about in a pack of sweaty guys? That's it, I'm done."



Lance Armstrong grimaces while riding behind the
Turkish Racing Team, all of whom have embraced
the new shorts-free outfit.


Promoters seemed unconcerned that some would be pulling out of the race as a result of the bare-bodied bikers. Rumors flew that the change was specifically added this year to rid the race of the "less committed" or "more inhibited" athletes. Specifically American and Philipino athletes.

Spokesman Jean-Michelle Claude denied the rumors, "I haff no idea what zu are talking abut."

In a related announcement, Organizers named the Queen song "Bicycle Race" as the official theme song of this year's race.

*SNN - For best protection, read while wearing SPF 40

Neighbors Who Should Listen To Me

I have two neighbors who should listen to me. I haven't met either of them, but they need to take the time to introduce themselves to me so I can make their life better. How, you ask? Alright, I'll tell you.

Neighbor 1. You bought a lousy lot way down the street, but I get it. You wanted in on our exclusive country lifestyle. You live in some crowded, noisy city and you need the country life to restore the zest to your chi. You're not the first to drink for our fountain of youth. But you flew too close to the sun, my friend! You started building the house in November.

Why, for the love of God, why? I drove by every day as the foundation was dug. You're building wayyyyy too close to the road. Have a look around. Outhere we have LAWNS. You don't need to have your house rubbing against the road. But you went ahead, poured the foundation and then had your modular home trucked in. It looked like you would be in the house by Christmas.

Then your winter building decision bit you on your tush. One of the workers left a heating element too close to a wall, and it caught fire. Not much of the house burnt, but the back of the house shows where the flames licked your aluminum siding and several windows are blackened and broken. And that's how it stayed all winter. Snow and rain blowing in the open windows,
the house sitting empty as your lawyer argued about who was going to pay for what.

It's seven months later and you're still not in. We locals snicker as we drive by. The house sits as empty and blackened as it did after the fire. At least close up the windows, would you? Just some friendly advice.

Neighbor 2. Well, look who we have here. It's Mr. Perfect. You've got a 20 acre farm, several barns and an older farm house, and it looks like something out of a movie set. It's perfect. Every blade of grass, the annual coats of paint, even your freaking dog house which mimics the architectural style of the farm house. You sicken me, sir. And you make the rest of your neighbors look bad, besides. Have you no team spirit? Then rest of us have jobs we go to every day. When we get home, we fall into a deck chair and reach for a cold one.

Our wives drive by your property and sigh with almost orgasmic pleasure. "Look, he's pained his flower pots again, aren't they beautiful? Are you going to mow the lawn this weekend?"

Thanks neighbor. Thanks a lot.

Don't Say You Weren't Warned

For my birthday, I received a snazzy new mountain bike. It’s got shocks! I love that, I ride over crap just to feel the bounce.

This warning label on my new toy kind of annoyed me.



Get out of my face! What gives anyone the right to tell me when I can ride my new bike, and if I wear a lid or not? I survived several nasty smashes with my bikes growing up, and we didn’t have anything more than a baseball cap to protect our melons. Did we ever sue anybody?

And yes, I called the number. I was going to F with them and ask wacked questions but it's all automated. Crap.

Well that little message on my ride got me going on an issue of mine, retarded warning signs.

Do you really need to be told tree climbing is dangerous? Oh, OK.


Check out the severed hand!


Did you know a goldfish bowl can be fatal?


Well, OK, so this one is a good warning. Which I refuse to obey.


I love the simplicity of this one. The stick guy is waving for help as the platform falls over.


I got a helmet for my birthday too, which I‘m told I should wear as a “good example“ to the kids. Pffft.. Maybe I’ll wear my motorcycle helmet instead, so at least I look like I got it going on. Fer shizzle.

Danish Dr. Doolittle

I wish I could have made this up, here's the article if you don't believe me:

Zookeepers find muskrats delectable
COPENHAGEN (Reuters) - Danish zookeepers slaughtered animals in their care, including more than 50 muskrats, and served the meat to unsuspecting friends and family until zoos changed their rules, newspaper Ekstra Bladet reported Friday.

"A single muskrat serves up to four people. You just have to avoid saying what it is before your family has eaten it because it sounds disgusting," elephant keeper Peter Jensen was quoted as saying.

And it goes great with a light bearnaise sauce.

Nobody at Copenhagen Zoo, home to 3,300 animals and 264 species, was available for comment.

The zookeepers also feasted on antelope and gaur, the newspaper said.

"It's always a success when you can serve you friends something special," zookeeper Nikolai Rhod said, adding he had also eaten rabbits, pigs and chicken from the petting zoo.

From the petting zoo! Nice detail.

Zookeepers in Denmark used to slaughter animals for meat until a zoo crackdown last year under which anyone caught doing so would face disciplinary action. Such practices did not break Danish law.

So what zoo animals qualified for slaughter? The old and sick? Hmmmm, delicious.
Those wacky Danes!

Office Space

Does getting a cup of coffee entitle you to monopolize a booth in a busy eatery for two hours during lunch time?

At a foray to a local eatery last week, I observed that 4 people were occupying 3 booths and a table, spread out with books, calculators, sharpened pencils and paper like they were solving the social security issue.

Meanwhile, people were there to eat. What a concept. With these squatters encamped in their temp offices, the place was seriously lacking in space to sit and eat. I noticed a manager-type hovering around looking a bit miffed but not taking any action. Gutless weenie.

I was the only one in our group giving them the hairy eyeball, none seemed intimidated or inclined to be polite and move to a smaller table. Or better yet, just leave. This isn't your home office, fukwit.

Lucky for them, I was in too good a mood to slip into "Angry Hulk Mode", where my clothes rip and I start howling like a mad professor who's been pelted by gamma rays. But I shouldn't have to. the manager should have a staff member that he assigns to be the "bad bus boy". This guy preforms the heavy-handed duties. The manager can placate an angry customer by promising to have the guy fired, only pat them on the back behind the scenes.

Some possible duties of this Bad Bus Boy would be:

Stage 1:standing and looking at them
Stage 2:leaning on the table
Stage 3:seating other people at the free seats at table or booth
Stage 4:having one of those people spill something onto the "important
papers"
Stage 5:taking their crap and throwing it on the floor. When they get up to
get it, seat new people down there.

Sounds like a fun job.

Animal Instict

Panda Porn-Fest Ends in Pregnancy at National Zoo
Friday, June 17, 2005 Posted: 2:03 AM EDT


National Zoo's giant pandas, Mei Xiang
and Tian Tian in post-coital bliss.


WASHINGTON (SNN) -- The National Zoo's giant panda, Mei Xiang, might be pregnant, scientists said on Tuesday. Or she could be just in the midst of a post-pornfest glow.

Scientists urged the Zoo's staff to purchase Chinese-made videos of pandas conducting mating exercises in an effort to inspire the pair. It is rare for pandas to conceive and give birth while in captivity. Initial reports were that the movies were having a positive effect, the zoo said in a
statement.

"They started going at it right after they saw 'Behind the Yum-Yum Tree'." Staffer Jules Vern recounted. "I have to say it was some good stuff."

Both Pandas appeared lethargic and sleepy after the ordeal.

According to Chinese legend, Panda males need specific inspiration to engage the female in mating rituals.

"Tian Tian would sit and eat bamboo all day, if you let him." the zoo stated in a press release. "Once he saw the girl panda-on-girl panda action though, he came to life. He started chasing Mei Xiang all over the enclosure.


Stud Tian Tian smokes bamboo after
an impressive session with his biatch

Zoo veterinarians said they were not surprised that the pair reacted positively to the film They had previously tried Japanese anime, but with no results.

"It has to be the real thing." Vern acknowledge.

The rise in Mei Xiang's hormone levels suggests she could give birth in 40 to 50 days, or could come to the end of a false pregnancy at that time, the statement said.

If and when a baby panda is born, it would belong to China, and would be sent to China after it is weaned in one or two years, according to National Zoo spokeswoman Mimi Taylor. There, it would be schooled in the teachings of Mao Tse Tsung, shown secret laundry techniques and taught how to construct rudimentary fireworks.

Mei Xiang had pseudopregnancies in 2003 and 2004 after being artificially inseminated by a zoo veterinarians in a panda costume. The vets are still serving 10 year sentences for Innapropriate Contact with an Endagered Communist Animal.

*SNN - Made in Taiwan.

Voila

As promised....

Voyez les chaussures de mon oncle mort.



(Behold the shoes of my dead uncle)

They are very comfortable. Especially with the Dr.Scholls inserts.

Summer of Fun

CNN was running an article by some nitwit about ways to get your kids outdoors this summer. Their ideas stunk, so I have devised my own list:

1. Change the locks - The kids can't stay glued to the TV or with their noses buried in those damn books if they can't get in the house. Make sure all windows are secured as latch-key kids know the tricks to finding alternative ways in. Many love to climb and can slip through small
openings. Be sure and leave a hose or pitcher of water outside on really hot days.

2. Put Them To Work - Do they like reality TV? Then they'll love the new show at your house, "My Big Fat Work Ethic". That's right, they'll be working for the summer. No job? No problem. They still leave the house at 7:30 AM just like working people, and they can return at 5 PM. What ever they do in between is up to them. See #1 for ideas on keeping them out of
the house.

3. Send Them To Camp - I'm not talking about the Happy Days Camp or some Feel Good summer country club. Your kids don't need a vacation, they need enrichment. So sign them up for something they'll never forget. My suggestions? A 3 week stink on an Alaskan Crab boat. It'll put hair on their chests and it will build up their mental toughness as they try to stay alive on the high seas. Not into the water, how about Space Camp? No, not outer space, the wide open spaces of the Arizona Desert in July. They'll learn how to forage for water and study the 3 different species of lizard that flourish in this harsh environment. The fall classic essay "What I did on my summer vacation" will never be the same.

4. Children Love Animals - so why not capitalize on that? Come up with animal games that give the child a first person experience. Here are some ideas:
"Homing Pigeon" - drop the kid off a few blocks away from home and see if they can make it back. Each successful return means trying a little farther out. This fosters a child's inane sense of direction.
"Feral Cat Foraging" - Every neighborhood has them, those furry lovable felines that eat a meal here, get a nap there. Your kids will have hours of fun mooching from the neighbors.

5. Send Them To China - OK, so I stole this one from the CNN article. Suddenly my suggestions aren't so crazy, huh?

Dead Man's Shoes

I'm wearing dead man's shoes today.

They are black, leather and hand made in the USA. They are great shoes. They were passed to me after the death of my Uncle Dennis. Not much of a story there, my father had helped his sister with the affairs the need attending to after the death of a family patron. Uncle Dennis had been a lean, tall man. He always had a joke to tell or a funny story. We didn't get to see him much, but my memories of his were all good.

When my father passed through on his way back to Vancouver, he left the shoes, saying that he thought they might fit me. They were part of Uncle Dennis' wardrobe that was being sent to goodwill, or to relatives that wanted a part of Uncle Dennis to remember. At first, I was wary of the dead man's shoes. But my mom said it best in her practical way, "He would have wanted you to have them."

Well, I'm sure the fact that his nephew would one day be wearing his black dress shoes was farthest from his mind. But after thinking about it, I like wearing Uncle Dennis' black shoes. It reminds me of him and maybe that's what it's all about.

So I'm going to start a list of my favorite clothes and who should get them.

Wake Up Call

I flashed back to a traumatic event while at lunch the other day. Talk
drifted to the subject of wrong number phone calls, and I recalled an old
lady who used to call us all the time. It wasn't so bad that she
called, it was maybe once a month, but it was at 5am on a Sat or Sunday,
the one sleep in day.

The phone would ring. It's on Kel's side, so she would pick it up and the
conversation was like this:
Kel - Hello
Old Lady - Are you alright?
K - Who is this?
OL - Are you alright?
K - Who are you trying to call?
OL - Hangs up

There were variations over the years. I suspected friends or my twisted
brothers at first, putting on an old lady voice. But what were they doing
up that early? They were too lay to pull a continuous prank like this one.
Kelly was way too nice, and my patience is no where near as benevolent as
hers, so one morning I got the phone when it rang at the ungodly hour.

Me - Hello?!?!
Old Lady - Are you alright?
Me (YELLING) - No, I'm NOT alright!! Stop calling us!!!
OL - Hangs up

I was all proud of myself, thinking this would end it. A month later, after
going out with friends and being a little hung over, the phone rings. I
groggily look over, it was 4:49 AM. She was back. I lifted the receiver and
dropped it. I couldn't bear to hear the dreaded words, "Are you alright?".

The thing is, when you get a call at that time, it's usually not anything
but bad news. Telemarketers and relatives wanting to borrow money call at
more civilized hours. So your instinct is to leap for the phone, heart
pounding.

Well, time went on.Kelly got smart one day and *69'd her but she wouldn't
pick up. Then we got caller ID and the lady was busted. We had her number.
We called and called, but nobody ever answered, and no answering machine
picked up.

One day Kel got a male voice when she called. It tuned out the old lady was
a little senile and that our number was either an old friends former number
burned into her memory or close to it. Why she called at 5 AM to find out
if she was alright, we'll never know, because she was killed by a lightning
strike while on the phone just a week later.

Ok, I threw that last part in just to see if you were still reading. But
she never did call again, and now it's just the damn kids that wake us up
on weekend mornings. And who do we have to blame for that? Nobody but
ourselves. At least they don't ask us if we're alright. That was the worst
part.

This is what happens if NHL talks break down...

ANTN-NY -We interrupt the regular programming here at SNN to bring you this special bulletin...

That feisty old Irish devil Shamus O'Drunkahan has been playing hockey whenever he can sneak away from his normal residence, Old Nasty-Bastards of East Northwestern Canada Home.

It seems this winter he went over to the ice rink quite a bit. The buzz on the streets is that in the final standings for his league, he placed 4th overall with 29 goals and 27 assists. Not bad for a guy who never played hockey in college and is at least 70 (or is it 7?) years older than anyone else in the league.



We hear there is a good chance he'll play in a major arena next season (....if everyone walks out of contract talks again...)

Happy Birthday, Shamus!
Good work this season

Welcome Ivanna

Welcome Ivanna Martini, the newest contributer to my Issues! She has agreed to lend some class and common sense to this space, and I for one think it's about damn time.

Blue For You

Canadian MP Hold Breath For Peace


O'Brien not breathing at press conference

OTTAWA (SNN) - Liberal MP Pat O'Brien announced at a news conference in Ottawa Monday his intention to hold his breath for peace. Citing the violence in Iraq, in the nations schools, and in popular media, O'Brien told the gathered press that he was disillusioned by the daily bombardment of violence in modern society. To protest, he would hold his breath.

The normally level-headed Member of the Parliament has been outspoken for world peace, rights for unwed mothers, and the issues faced by de-clawed house cats. A press release passed out at the event outlined O'Brien's "Whirled Peas Plan", a humorous take-off on a popular bumper sticker calling for "Whirled Peas Now".

"There's blood in the streets, dead children on the doorstep, and people eating disgusting food on 'Fear Factor'. Something needs to be done." The cherub-faced politician commented in his opening statement to reporters.

"And now, for the good of the world, I will hold my breath for world accord and brotherhood." At which time he promptly halted his remarks and held his breath.

"You go for it, Pat!" Staffers cheered from the stage wings as the remonstration continued.

Thirty seconds into the protest, the sky-faced O'Brien began showing signs of strain.


O'Brien holds his lips closed,
moments before passing out.

At the 1:22 mark of the demonstration, O'Brien raised his hand from his mouth to give a thumbs-up sign and promptly passed out onto the table.

Emergency Medical workers were standing by and attended to the fallen baby-kisser. He was revived in moments later.

"That concludes the press conference." An assistant addressed the gathered media as O'Brien was helped from the stage floor. "God save the Queen."

Staffers seemed as startled by the turn the event had taken.

"I didn't see that coming." Page Liam Duffer remarked in the Parliament Hall Tea and Scone Room after to the event. "Maybe he got a hold of a bad doughnut at Tim Horton's. There's no other explanation I can think of."

The Liberal Party spokesperson released a formal response on their member's choice of protest methods, "No comment, eh?"

*SNN - Anyone can report the news, but only a few have the cajoles to make it up.

Mentalist

Let’s get one thing straight. I don’t believe in mentalists or psychics. I especially dislike it when they prey on the trusting and desperate. I saw a mentalist named Marc Salem on 60 Minutes a while back, and he amazed me.

But I love magic and illusions. I know some of the tricks these guys use to “read” peoples minds. I could not figure out he did his act, and the tough interviewer wasn’t able to point out anything unsavory about his reputation or professional track record.

The most amazing this I saw was he brought five people to stand before him. They have each drawn a picture on a poster. Marc matches the poster to the person, and he’s dead-on.

Other things in his act…

Two members of the audience choose one word at random from a thick paperback, and Marc Salem has successfully names both words at his first attempt.

After having coins taped over his eyes and wearing a blindfold for good measure, Salem successfully reads out the serial number on a banknote plucked from a wallet .

He also brought a nurse up from the audience, then stopped his pulse. The nurse was looking at the guy in utter amazement.

Marc Salem came off in the interview as a very intelligent, personable guy who uses this talent for things like lie detecting, which he seems to be flawless at.

He says that as much as 80 per cent of human interaction is unspoken and that he has learnt to tune into this in the same way that an eavesdropper listens to other people’s conversations.

I’m a skeptic, but I was spellbound. Cool to think there are people with those kinds of talents out there. But I wouldn’t want to play poker with him.

Vanilla

Is there anything better than vanilla? It’s warm, comfy, and smells like the waiting room in heaven.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m all about chocolate if we’re talking soft ice cream, but if you’re pushing the a la mode, scoop me some vanilla. Sometimes I dab some on my wrists. The chicks can’t resist and man who smells like vanilla.

Twist my arm and I’ll try coffee, bubble gum, or peanut butter cup flavored ice cream. I’m adventurous. I’m not going to run away just because you’ve got a new flavor. I’ll give it a chance. I’m the United Nations of ice cream eaters.

Now hold on there! You have fresh berries? Forget about it. There’s only one way to go. French Vanilla. Let it sit out a bit so it gets a bit soft, then mix in the strawberries (sliced) blueberries or raspberries. Take it out on your deck, porch or lawn and enjoy while starring up and thinking about how great vanilla is.

I heart vanilla.

Christmas Hounding

This is the worst thing ever. Something JV said dislodged this from my brain, and now I've got to get it on paper while I'm thinking about it.

It's Christmas time, many years ago. We lived on a road that was not wicked busy, but dogs seemed to pay a heavy toll. I lost several best fiends to the road over the years, and many of our neighbors did as well. So seeing a pooch lying in the weeds off the road was something we had become hardened to. All dogs go to heaven, as they say.

Stinky and my brother T-man were on the prowl. Too young to go mix it up with the ruffians out in Whalley, and too young to gab a pint and an oogle the dancers at the Ocean Beach Hotel, they were cruising the local streets looking for trouble. And they found him. Although his name was probably not Trouble, but Buster, or Spot, or some other dog name. We'll call him "Patches", for the sake of the story.

Patches had departed the world and left his earthly vessel on 24th Ave. T-Man and Stinky found him and at some point, a scheme was hatched. I've mentioned Stinky before, and without going into it all over again, he had a knack for trouble. I should say, he had a knack for it when you added my brother, or to a lesser extend a few other friends, in the mix. The idea on this drizzling, cold evening was to take the dog and place him on the door step of a neighbor way down the street. They put a few bunches of fur under the bumper of one of the cars in the driveway, and a note in
Patches mouth. The note read something like, "We saw what you did. Hope you have a Merry Christmas. We sure won't."

They came home and told me this tale, and it curled my short hairs. The evil genius of the prank cracks me up even today, even though it is so, so wrong. I look at it like Patches got to have a final moment in the sun, something he and his dog buddies can bark about up in doggie heaven.

Those people moved the next summer, although we never heard if that had anything to do with that incident, or the fact that some kids had been throwing purses out into intersections around the neighborhood and causing accidents.

That's DRAFT, not PUBLISH

Sorry, published a bunch of drafts. They will return in refined, completed for at some later date. Maybe. Maybe Not.

Hit Me, Baby

I got a tip last week that I needed to tune into a tv show. The tip paid of, as the program turned out to be a train wreck in action. I am of course referring to “Hit Me Baby 1 More Time”. Here are a few bullet points, things that made the show what it was:

The Euro-trash announcer: Yelling, bad hair and a un-traceable accent were a few of the more annoying traits of this dipstick. Wasn’t the dick with the mega-phone on Extreme Home Makeover available?

The Bands: None of the bands appeared as their complete unit. True, some band members were dead, which a good excuse. But how about the others? I mean, they say in the promo these bands are coming back to play, so where are they? Case in point, A Flock of Seagulls. They had one original member. That‘s not a flock, that’s just a lone Gull. And the poor guy couldn’t sing anymore. He looked more like the guy who ate the lead singer. That would explain a lot.

I heard some people banging on Debbie Gibson, but she sang her own song ok. She then tried to sing Kelly Clarksons’ “Breakaway”, and couldn’t pull it off. Wrong voice type, a semi-professional singer I know pointed out. I thought she looked ok, maybe a little bigger since her Playboy spread a few years ago, but she was holding together way better than the lead singer from Loverboy. Holy Hair Loss, Batman.

The Prize. The winner, selected by the lame studio audience using an America’s Funniest Home Videos type selector, will win 20 grand to their favorite charity. Wha-whaaaaaaa. Lame. Change it to a lifetime supply of Quizno’s subs and you’d see those bands start rolling up their sleeves.

Will I watch it next week as a different crop of has-beens embarrass themselves? Bet your ass, baby.

American Idiot

Not sure about your little corner f the world, but out here in upstate NY it is friggin beautiful. It started on Friday - perfect day, crime to be at work - then yesterday, now today. Tri fecta!

I have a new lawn mower, which did almost 2 acres in 40 minutes. That's right, a new Shamus Mowing World record ladies and gents. The mower is a sweet ride, a Cub Cadet, tricked out with a 50 inch deck (yes, size matters) and a cup holder. Gotta have the cup holder. After 2 weeks of trying to keep the grass at bay with a push mower (losing battle) I went in on this new machine in partner with my father in law, who's mower also went kuput this year. Did both our large lawns yesterday in under 3 hours. Sweet.

Did I mention I'm an idiot? I called the mower shop and got an appointment for them to look at my aging Poulin rider mower a few weeks ago. They gave me a claim number and said you can drop it off after -hours, put the claim number on the key and leave it. Check back in 2 weeks.

So I dropped it off, then called back this week (as it has been 2 weeks) and they had no record of me calling. They had the mower, and had been wondering who had left it. My claim number didn't fit their format. Ooooooops. I must have called he OTHER mower place in town.

They said they'll get to it soon and let me know. I'm only going to turn around and sell it if it's fixable. Sorry Poulin, you just don't cut it anymore.

Ouch, that one hurt to type.

To make up for it, wrap your head around this.

Cheers!

Distant Early Warning

Pre-List Sparks Santa Debate

THE NORTH POLE (SNN) - With the Christmas season fast approaching, children all over the world awaited the annual release of the "Christmas Pre-List". Posted on his web site, Santa Clause released the list of names on his "Good" and "Bad" lists based up on data gathered the first half of the year by his elfin spy network.


Santa and Donner starting Summer Workouts

The controversial lists are posted every June 1st to give children an indication on how they sit in the eyes of the Jolly One. Traditionally, the list produces anger and confusion, as kinderfolk try and cope with the often harsh reality of their standing.

Timmy Shea, a 7 year old from Paris, TX, burst into tears when he saw his name, and those of his two siblings on the "Bad" list. "Why, Mommy? Why?" Timmy blubbered through tears as he recounted the numerous good acts preformed so far this year.

His mother checked the listing and found it to be a different Timothy Shea, in Wichester, MA.

Speculation of the mental state of the aged gift-hurler has sparked debate regarding recent out-sourcing of the kid-watching duties to contractors India, and removal of gift building duties to private companies. Both domains were previously controlled by the North Pole Elves. The elfin population has been declining since the 1970's, due to a mysterious impotence epidemic effecting the male elf population.

A grassroots watchgroup called "Parents Who Hate Santa" point to the Pre-List as yet another reason why the tradition of Santa Clause should be halted. Celebrity spokesman Tom Selleck sent an email to members last week stating, "...we must hug our kids and let them know that they will be getting that new XBox game in December, regardless of what some fat man in a red suit says. (We) are the parents of our children, not him. That bastard!"

For some, the Pre-List brought relief. Six year-old Elizabeth Hurling wasn't sure how her year had been going until she saw her name on the Good list. "I punched Mikey Peters on the playground last week but maybe the elves missed it."

With the release of the list, Santa sends a "shout-out" to all the manufacturers in third-world countries that have already begun production of the seasons toy offerings. Ninety percent of the goods will be shipped from China this year. It also replaced Malaysia as the largest producer of tinsel and low-fat fruitcakes.

In his news release that accompanied the pre-list release, Santa included a confusing special message to this top toy producer. "Domo au regato!"

A spokes-elf for Santa could not be reached for comment by press time.

*SNN - Where Dan Rather Gets His News.

Safety Dance

I was listening to my at work internet music source and lo and behold, I was invited to a Safety Dance. Listening to Men Without Hats is like slipping into a bubbly hot tub on a cold winters night. "Ahhhhhh."

You can dance if you want to, you can leave your friends behind
'Cause your friends don't dance and if they don't dance
Well they're no friends of mine

Even now, I can't help but to break into the "Robot" dance when I hear that tune. I do the head moves and everything. You should see it.

I said to myself, "Man, whatever happened to those guys anyways?" After tooling about the Internet, I found some very dull information about the band. They stayed with music, though no longer on the cusp of the top 40 radio stuff. After the massive international success of Safety Dance in 1983 and the Canadian hit Pop Goes The World four years later, the
synth-popsters languished in discount bins ever since. They couldn’t get the public to latch on to newer releases such as 1989’s The Adventures of Women & Men Without Hate in the 21st Century and its follow-up, 1991’s Sideways.

Ivan Doroschuk lives in Montreal, still in the music scene. Colin Doroschuk lives in Victoria, B.C. and teaches voice and sings with the Victoria Opera. In 2003, Doroschuk returned with a new MWH album, No Hats Beyond This Point.

Oh well, they were gods in their day.

Motivation

My son is just a little guy, just 5 years old. Fun age.

He's getting OT and PT to rectify some residual effects from a surgery he had at 6 months old, that has left him a little behind in developing his fine motor skills. One of the things he's working on is flexibility, stretching, etc. He has very tight hamstrings.

Getting Dan to participate in these exercises is always a task, but if I get down there on the floor with him and make it fun he will do it, just not very long. The other day we were hanging out after breakfast and I had the tunes on VH1. During a kind of racy video I flipped around and found an old friend Denise Austin on the TV.



I used to play hockey with a bunch of guys early in the am, and the TV in the locker room would be on her while we got dressed and stretched. It was a very nice way to start the day. She's east on the eyes and a peppy personality, you can't help but like her even when she contorts you into some crazy yoga position.

Dan was instantly locked on her. Within a few seconds, he was copying here exercises. DING! So I started doing it with him and he did 15 minutes with me and Denise. A new record.

He's way too young to be attracted to Denise, but something had his attention from the start. Maybe it was her hot pink unitard? Je ne sais pas. All I know is, I'll be dialing up Denise more often. For the sake of my son's health, I mean.