Blow me, Hacker scum

FileBin dot com was the home to my scandelous pictures, and they have been overrun by hacker scum. They can get my pcitures, but they can't get my hutzpah.

Only my proctologist can take that from me.

So sorry if crap is missing.

Watch Him For Knives, Dano

Memorial Day. Nothing funny about that.

I live in a small town, and despite lacking in some amenities, it has a hokey-county innocence that I love. The town has one stop light, and it’s blinking after midnight.

Our only fast food is a hot dog stand. And yes, they're pretty good.

A few times a year we have parades. St. Patty’s day is a big one (large amount of Irish around here, the nickname of the area is the Irish Alps) and Memorial Day is the other. Half the town marches. T-ball teams, 4 -H, High School band, Classic cars, a guy walking his dog, fire trucks, and the town veterans (there are 2).

It was fun to watch. We waved, we called to friends and family, we caught candy thrown by the town dentist from his convertible. Of all the floats and walkers one thing kind of jumped out to me.

In this picture, you see the guy with his bagpipes. At first glance you say, “Aww. That’s cute.”



Look closer.

In his sock!



Knife.

That’s right, jocko. It’ll be the last time you underestimate the guy in the kilt. Stop worrying about if he’s wearing briefs for now, and keep you peepers on that blade.

You're welcome.

Weeks Best

You know it, you love it, you can quote it, but do you know all the subtle
references, play on words and inside jokes of the Simpsons?

Well, this site can point out a few of them.

My favorite:

Apu: I have come to make amends, sir. At first, I blamed you for
squealing, but then I realized, it was I who wronged you. So I
have come to work off my debt. I am at your service.

Homer: You're...selling what, now?

Apu: I am selling only the concept of karmic realignment.

Homer: You can't sell that! Karma can only be portioned out by the
cosmos. [slams the door]

Apu: He's got me there.

Episode: Apu loses the Quik-E-Mart


And the hilarious Natalie Dee killed me with this one.

This guy breaks down "Return of the Sith" from a scientific point of view. (thanks TC!)

Lucas Joins Sith

George Lucas Reveals Oath To Sith Lord

SAN FRANCISCO (SNN) George Lucas, Director/Producer of 'Star Wars: Episode III Revenge of the Sith', shocked reporters at the San Francisco Science Fiction and Food Festival by explaining he took an oath to the Sith Lord to get the movie done one time, and under budget.


George Lucas, flanked by his Imperial Security Staff, glares at onlookers.

"It was too much, even for me." Lucas told the gathered throng of press. "The pressure of pulling this thing off, I was slowly going mad. Then the Sith Lord offered his help in return for my allegiance. It was a no-brainer."

Speculation in the Hollywood community was that Lucas had received some sort of assistance from an outside source to complete the vast amount of technical details and digital effects needed to bring the film in on time. In November 2004, sources revealed the project was 8 months behind schedule. In March, 2005, the final edits were completed, 3 weeks ahead of the original timetable.

"The Sith Lord knew some techniques that Hollywood either doesn't know, or doesn't reveal." George Lucas stated in an interview in last month's 'Rolling Stone'. "I became his student, he was my teacher."

Lucas arrived at the even in a black TIE Humvee, escorted by several Imperial Security Staff. One autograph seeker was hit with a red energy beam when he tried to get close to Lucas on the red carpet. He was later helped from the area by the Emporer's Storm Troopers, but has not been seen since.

The "Question & Answers" portion of the event was cut short when a reported keeled over after asking the Star Wars creator if he would ever apologize to fans for the last two installments of the series.

Lucas glowered at attendees as EMS personnel worked to revive the man. "Anybody else have questions? No? Good."

The festival, held annually, celebrates science fiction, food, and living with your parents.


*Shamus News Network - Now less biased than even PBS.

What You'll Wish You'd Known

Carly brought up a very interesting topic last week about graduation speeches, and what would you say if you gave one? Well, I've been to a bunch and none really blew me away as far as inspiration goes. But I came across this one, and it was pretty cool.

I was not focussed on the future while in high school, and although college did help a bit, I never really thought about how my current studies and decisions would apply to the real world and what I would do for the rest of my life. If I were to do it all over again, I would have worked for a year or two after high school to get some idea of direction, maybe grow up a bit.

After college I followed one path for a bit, and by a few lucky turns and some stubborness led me to my current profession which I enjoy. So it all worked out ok in the end. Except for that lottery thing.

The one piece of inspiration that I have held on to was something a high school teacher said once, "You can do whatever you want to do, and there are many paths to accomplishing the
same goals. Some paths will be direct, some filled with a few failures and detours. If you really want to be something, or do something, you will, if you want it enough."

I took this to mean that just because I was a barely-passing student, I might be able to one day hold a job that I would enjoy doing. That turned out to be correct in my case, and for most other people I know. Rarely do you go straight through school and right to your dream job.

Just look at Rob and Amber. They went from unemployable, 20-something daydreamers to Survirors, to Great Race participants, to CBS Prime-Time Wedding and now, "Boston Rob and Me, the Musical".

Gives hope to everyone.

Help Desk Memories #1

Working at a Help Desk is anything but boring. These are some of my
adventures....

I used to work on a help desk for a large bank, and we would handle a large range of issues, including those dealing with bank teller workstations. One day I received a call that a workstation was beeping. After being unable to determine what the issue was over the phone, I offered to stop by the branch, which was right next door. I took a look and couldn't find anything wrong. I cleaned the keyboard, just in case it was a stuck key.

The next day, she called back and complained that the computer was beeping again. This time I replaced the keyboard. But the problem didn't go away -- she called back the next day.

I noticed that she called at the same time of day each day, so I asked if
there was something she did every day that might made the computer beep. She said there wasn't and that the computer would beep for about 15 seconds and then stop.

The next day I happened to be in the bank for an unrelated issue. At 3pm, the beeping started, and I went over to track it down. It seemed to be coming from the keyboard until I looked a little further in the desk drawer.

There was a digital alarm clock in there.

Oh Mammy!

I know, it's wayyyy too early for Halloween ideas.
But this just cracked me up.




Thanks JES for the picture.

Be My Nemesis

In Greek mythology, Nemesis is the goddess of divine justice and vengeance. Her anger is directed toward human transgression of the natural, right order of things and of the arrogance causing it. Nemesis pursues the insolent and the wicked with inflexible vengeance.

I miss my nemesis. I used to have one, you know. It was a woman in my office building. I had done nothing to her, we didn’t even know each other. When we were in the elevator together I could feel her vengeful looks, her impassioned disapproval and her look that passed through me as if I didn’t exist. When was she going to get over the fact that I was taken by another, not on the market and unaffected by her charms?

In books, Nemesis is portrayed as serious looking woman with in her left hand a whip, a rein, a sword, or a pair of scales. This woman had all of these things, and a voice that could peel paint. Others saw her as a beautiful temptress, but I saw her for what she was.

But it doesn't have to be a woman. Think about the great males that have played the role: Dr.Evil for Austin Powers, and Newman from Seineld just to name two.

So now I’m conducting interviews for my replacement nemesis. A yin for my yang, a Darth Vadar to my Obe Wan. Yes, I did get out to see the movie last night. Great great end for the story.

So you think you're Nemesis material? Bring it on, Ziggy. Bring it on.

The Life Aquatic

I'm a big Bill Murray fan. His deadpan and dry delivery just works for me. He made an art form, and a career, out of insincerity and a blank stare. He also has a habit of picking some great projects recently.

His latest work is a Wes Anderson project and from start to end you have no idea what's going to happen. It's cleverly shot, the dialog is lively and at times things get just plain crazy. But it will make you laugh out loud, and who doesn't need THAT?

Here are some other Bill Murray Movies you should go out and rent in case you somehow missed them. My god, how could you have? I'm not even going to list his wildly popular ones, just a few recent beauties:

Quick Change
Rushmore
Royal Tannenbaums
Lost In Translation

It's a rainy day, so what else are you going to do, read? Yeah right.

Please stop

Stop telling me how great the latest Star Wars is. I know. I really want to see it, but it’s not going to happen for a while. In fact it may be a month before I get out to see the movie. So let’s just forget it for right now. K? K.

Ode To Mr. Trailer

I borrowed thee from work pal Bill
And with luck, the content will not spill

You're great, Mr. Trailer!

You swing and swerve behind the Ford
Ready for action, and flat as a board

You're great, Mr. Trailer!

My piece of crap mower you readily take
up the planks and strapped in place

You're great, Mr. Trailer!

The pot hole deep, I did not see
The ropes, they held, and glad was me

You're great, Mr. Trailer!

But Bambi had another plan
And swerving hard is not cool, man

You're great, Mr. Trailer!

the mower flies, it bounces true
and into pieces, my piece of shit blew

You're great, Mr. Trailer!

Baby on Board

Michelin Rolls Into The Future

NAPU, INDIA (SNN) After weeks of speculation, the Michelin Tire company has chosen their replacement for the aging Michelin Man, introducing Indian toddler Lokmar "Bert" Mondol to the world.



A worldwide search was launched three months ago to locate an heir to the Michelin Man throne. A blitz of advertising has blanketed every third world country produced strong propects from China, India, Myanmar and Canada. The candidate from India was chosen after a series of tests on everything from language skills to motion sickness tolerance.

The current Michelin Man, Don Rugsley, has held the job since 1976 and is approaching the mandatory retirement age of 50,000 miles. "Those were some hard miles as well." Rugsley reminisced in a recent interview with Dan Rather on the CBS program "60 Minutes".

"City driving, lots of potholes, you name it."



One of the "potholes" was a 1997 conviction for crossing state lines with a minor. Rugsley pleaded no contest to the charges under a plea agreement, but maintained his innocence throughout the ordeal. He returned as spokesman for the company during the 1998 Superbowl "Maxtread" commercials to rousing support from his fans.

The new Michelin Man will have time to adjust to his new fame when he appears in a series of commercials this fall.

"He'll cut his teeth on a few spots, before we get him fully immersed in the role." John Kingston, PR spokesman for Michelin confirmed Tuesday. "Then we'll begin to deprive him of sunlight to get that pale, white sheen that Don has."

Locals from Mondol's village celebrated the announcement by butchering a pig that was being kept for a "special event". Mother Anu was smiling ear to ear while gripping a generous hambone.

"We'll soon be rolling in the dough." she said. "Or at least all the tires we can use. We have no car, but I hear the whitewalls are great for cooking over."


SNN - where more village idiots get their news than any other source

Big Meat

My friend Carly sent me a funny link to a picture of Paris Hilton modeling a giant hamburger. It's a pretty disturbing picture. I used to think Paris was interesting because of the train-wreck aspects of her show, but after the novelty wore off it was just lame.

The picture reminded me of a great post by the King of Dot Com Comedy, Zug. He calls this one, The World's Biggest Burger . I think the guy kind of looks like John.

For the record, I think Paris is a skank, and I dislike the food at Chili's, although I like the fact the drinks are 2-1 all the time. And yes, I know, they jack the prices to cover it. I don't care, it's the thought that counts.

And thanks for sharing, Carly.

Revenge Of The Snips

What's up with Portman's hair? They gave no explaination about it in the article on the movie opening, ignoring the fact SHE'S GOT NO HAIR!!! HELLO?




If it's a medical thing, why not wear a wig? If she shaved her head for a role, she's an idiot. Maybe she lost a bet. That's the only good excuse I can think of. Sam Jackson there is smiling like it was a bet.

Or is headshaving the new "lower back tatoo" for the kids out there? Am I the only person weirded out by this picture? How many freaking questions am I going to ask here??

Hey, Sears. Blow Me.

So there I am, in Sears.

I’m looking for a weird tool. It’s a screwdriver for what they call “Security Screws”. Have you seen them? There are all kinds, but basically they are hex or allen wrench configuration with a ole in the center, so a normal hex or allen wrench won’t fit. You have to have the special bits. And that’s what I needed.

The store was marginally busy, but Sears was looking stocked with gray-shirted salespeople. Especially by the mowers. You couldn’t spit and not hit one. After my visit I was tempted to do just that.

After looking forlornly at the new riding mowers (I’m trying to find this bit to fix my own piece of shit) I wander over to the hardware section. I make a cursory search for the tool, but come up empty. So I turn to the helpful and friendly staff. Two staffers were standing by the checkout area, both had the dull “please kill me” look in their eyes. Oh boy.

I explained what I was looking for, even showing them the exact allen wrench size to give them a visual. Salesperson 1 appeared to lapse into a coma, and didn’t say a word. Salesperson 2 scratched his head, seemed to think about it, then said. “Did ya look over by the wrenches?”

I confirmed that I had made an initial search on my own, but didn’t have success. That’s why I was seeing the man. Him.

“Nah. We must not carry it.” And he just stood there. Now they were both staring off into space. I turned and looked to see what it was behind me. Just a wall. I walked away.

Now, I had been to two other hardware stores, and a very reliable source had specifically names Sears as having this tool. I went up and down every isle in hardware. There, among a variety of screwdrivers was the tool.

I pulled it from the rack, and walked up to the front. I placed it down calmly in front of Salesperson 1.

“Did you find everything you were looking for today?” he asked mechanically. He didn’t recognize me from 2 minutes ago.

“Yeah, thanks for the help there.”

“No problem.” he says, accepting my card and running it through the machine. I was bit steamed, but wanted to avoid going off until I had my card back and the transaction was complete.

About that time, Salesperson 2 came back, resuming his position. I held up the tool. He turned.

“Yeah, you do have it.”

“Oh?” he said. He couldn’t place me either.

“Yeah, couldn’t have found it without your stellar assistance. You deserve a raise.”

He looked a bit puzzled.

“Your customer service really blew me away.”

He looked away, catching on.

I came close to saying something else, but realized he didn’t give a crap. I just don’t get it. You’re there, why not try?

Wha happened??

Crazy week in blogland! Two of my favorite people hung up the
typewriters (unofficially, and temporarily, I hope) which made me wonder
about something. If a blogger falls in cyberspace, and nobody is logged on
to their blog at that particular moment, do they make a noise? Well yes
they do. And it sounded like Kate Winslet getting hit by a bus full of
Shriners. Not pretty.

Since these were both writers that I admire and checked daily for their
wit, insight and advice, I pray they return in full, nakid glory. You hear
me you two? Nakid glory!!!!

So I think I need to point out the blogs that made me smile this week.
Actually, there's way more, but here are just a few:

Great cartoon

A Must-Have

For The (Single) Ladies

Tribute

Death is one of those events which has a profound impact on our lives. The loss of a person whom we care about, or even just someone we know who touched us in some fashion, can live in our psyche forever. Of all my areas of discomfort, dealing with death is by far is the most difficult. And in a way that's strange, since we have a funeral business in the family tree (albeit a weak branch). I worked there briefly, but garnered no insights other than how to drive a stretch limo.

So I'm always impressed when people display their loss in ways I can understand. A former manager of mine passed away from brain cancer a few years ago. It was an amazing service to attend, a full church of friends and family. She had touched so many lives. One speaker got up and told a simple story about her that summed her up so well. It was a perfect tribute.

I was listening to Paul McCartney's tribute to his long-time friend and former band mate George Harrison. It was during a concert called the "Concert for George". Often, these concerts become a platform for has-beens to get applause, with little focus on the person they are there to show their love for. But damn it if I wasn't moved by Paul's intro remarks and performance of a familiar song. Have a listen.

Turns of the whole album is just as good. Nice tribute to a quiet legend.

And MAC, if you're out there somewhere, you're missed.

The Gods of Cubefarm Weather

Work battles are fun. Lines of demarkation are drawn over strange things. This is the story of a cube farm and the brief battle for control of a thermostat.

During the physical re-cubing of personnel, my department was moved up 2 floors and put with another segment of the department that had been moved from a different part of the office. The whole exercise was to clear the 3rd floor of all cubes so we could have a place to run around and have fun on days when it was rainy or snowy. Well, not really, but that's what I used it for.

So there we were with our new department coworkers and in new digs. We had one row, they had the one next to us. Every few rows were big pillars with fake plants on them (to hold hidden cameras, or so I suspected) and every so many rows, a little thermostat.

People are funny. They can occupy the same space yet one feels chilly and the other a touch of warmth. Some of the more thoughtful and industrious types brought in their own bubble vests or sweaters to compensate. The idea being you put the temperature at reasonable balance for the majority of the people, since you're never going to make everybody happy.

As Bill the Cat put it, "PFFFFFFFFFFFFT!"

The battle over our thermostat started soon after we all got settled in. The control was technically in our row, so they had to lean over from their side to increase or decrease the temp, or use a 6 inch wooden pointer to reach over and slide the plastic lever to a higher setting. But then we'd begin sweating. Like almost immediately. So one of us would reach up and set it back.

And so it went. We'd be all comfortable and then notice the stick come sneaking over the top of the cube wall to mess with the gauge or notice a big jump or drop in temperature and then we'd go slide it back.

Until one day when I was getting sick of the games. I popped the lid on the control, and removed a plastic piece connecting the slider to the spring control. I replaced the cover and now the plastic slide control could slide up and down, and not be effecting the temperature because it was disconnected.

We giggled like kids for days. The stick would come over and slide the control with no change to the temperature, so they'd soon be moving it again. To keep the game going, we'd move the slider back when we thought about it.

It didn't take long before they were blatantly leaning over the cube walls, manually moving the slide with puzzled looks on their sweaty faces. They started getting rough with the little control, frustration coming to the surface, and soon had it jammed all the way over to the cool side. We watched and laughed at their puny attempts to control the temperature, to which we had made ourselves the Overlords of.

Then one day I came in and caught one of them in our row with the cover off. He seemed to be trying to reconnect the switch, but I snuck on him and when I scared him he jumped and smacked the gauge. The internal gauge was now flattened, and wouldn't move. Luckily, it happened at the temperature we had set it at. They were pissed, and made little remarks at department meetings for years after the little scuffle.

I'm sure Tom the security guard enjoyed watching it all on his monitor as he sipped his coffee muttering, "Morons."

Newton's Grandma

Grandmother Unlocks Secret to Gravity

BOSTON (SNN) -Mavis Stein, a 82 year old woman from Maine, amazed the collection of scientists, government officials and press gathered at MIT today by demonstrating that she could control the force of gravity.

The first mathematical formulation of the theory of gravitation was made by Sir Isaac Newton and proved astonishingly accurate. He postulated the force of "universal gravitational attraction".

Newton's theory has now been replaced by Albert Einstein's theory of general relativity, after Newton was found to be "categorically insane" and had "pulled the whole gravity thing from his ass".

The mass-defying Octogenarian was discovered by a vacationing MIT professor Sheldon Hicksley last summer. He witnessed her levitate a shopping cart that was blocking her Oldsmobile in a parking lot. Hicksley convinced Stein to appear before the MIT Board of Atypical Behavior, a council of renowned scientists that meets yearly to review the oddities of the universe, and to discuss vintage Dr. Who episodes.

Stein demonstrated her amazing powers by moving small objects around the room, flipped two guards onto their heads and pinned them to a wall, then proclaiming that the Dean of Physics was wearing purple boxer shorts.



"You have x-ray vision as well?" the stunned moderator Hicksley asked Stein.

Stein gave them assembled audience a matronly smile. "Don't be silly. I'm just fucking with you." The humor momentarily eased the tension in the room, even evoking chuckles from the helpless upside-down guards.

"I was pretty scared being held up to that wall with all the blood rushing to my face." guard Walter Mitty recalled. "But she kind of reminded me of my grandma. Except for the crazy-powers thing."

Mavis Stein said she has had the power to control gravity as long as she can recall. "It was real handy when I was dating. The boys knew they couldn't get fresh with me."

"And of course, the Grandkids don't mess with Mima Mavis. That's what they call me."

At the end of the meeting, the Board has requested Stein submit to a battery of tests to see if the source of her powers can be determined.

"Like fun!" Mavis retorted. "You can keep your probes and tests to yourself. I'm outta here." The doors to the room, which had been secured prior to the meeting, magically opened as approached. "Good day." she called cheerily, as the lights flickered in the assembly hall.

The Department of Defense officials ran from the room before they could comment on the demonstration.


*SNN - Shamus News Network. The last place to get your news.

Barefoot in the Parking Lot

I ran on the cross country team in college. I was recruited by the coach during orientation after he made the point that it was the only coed sport on campus. There was no hockey or lacrosse teams, and I was way too short for basketball. So I was swayed by his salesmanship and signed on. It turned out to be an entertaining and rich experience and I get a girlfriend out of it. Sad, I know.

After college I kept up the running until I returned to the ice, and now I only strap on the running shoes occasionally. In the fall, the smells of the leaves and the crisp air always bring back the glory days of collegiate competition. In the four years I never came close to winning a race except one, where the leaders all got lost and were disqualified for leaving the course. And no, we didn't turn those signs, somebody else must have done that. Really.

All of that was to tell you this: Yesterday, while walking with some lunch mates around our parking lot loop, we saw a coworker running along. It was a beautiful day, and for a second I thought, "Yeah, nice to be out running..." then I noticed something disturbing. He was running without shoes. Barefoot as a Blue Mountain housewife.

I pointed this out to the crew, most of whom admitted being distracted by the short running shorts he was wearing. I know it's almost summer, and I myself was promoting Running Barefoot In The Park last week, but I wasn't supporting the whole barefoot running movement as a whole.

There is no call for this type of workout. If he must have a barefoot workout, there are treadmills in the basement workout room. Have at them, Bruce Jenner.

And you can bet he was running commando under those shorts. I mean if you aren't concerned with socks or shoes, you ain't bothering with a jockstrap.

Case of the Giggles

You've seen them, the bloopers of actors and news anchors who get a case of the giggles over a stupid thing, but become unable to function because they are laughing so hard. I don't know about you, but I can't help but to laugh when I see that stuff. It's so dumb but so infectious. It's like when you are somewhere serious, like a meeting at work or in church, the littlest thing can set you off because you're not supposed to laugh.

I was watching the Red Sox Friday night (when in Rome...) and it was a blowout. 7-1 late in the 8th inning. Even the commentators were bored, so they sent a guy with a mic into the office to talk to some of the fans. Mr. Microphone was talking to a dentist who had came up with some Red Sox shirts blah blah blah and he had a joke to tell.

"What is the best time to go to the dentist?" Nobody knew. "Tooth-hurty. Get it? Two-thirty?"

The commentators gave a polite laugh, then made a couple of cracks about the lameness of the joke. The camera shot went back to the game, but you couldn't hear the commentators. You could kind of hear muffled laughs every few seconds, but no commentary. Then they went to shot of the booth and both guys were laughing hard. "Tooth hurty!" one gasped. They doubled over again.

They flashed back to Mr. Mic in the stands who ribbed the guys about finally getting the joke, etc. Then back to the game. Still no commentary. Back to the both and now both are red faced, leaning over and unable to talk at all. We at home started laughing as well. Hell, I'm laughing now just thinking about how that stupid joke incapacitated the two guys for 10 minutes until the inning ended and they went to commercial. When they came back they had recovered their composure.

Being an altar boy, I fought the giggles often. Funerals and the really big holidays were the worst, because the pressure was really on not to laugh. My brother and I knew how to punch the buttons - the facial tics, the hand signals. The hardest one was at the shaking hands part. We'd always do something screwy to try and crack up the other guy. Actually we still do the screwy handshakes to this day.

Our friend Stinky was a legend at many things, one of them being the ability to make people laugh by the power of his own laugh. He had a rolling, hysterical infectious laugh and once he got going, he was tough to stop. Tim knew how to get him going. One time at a premier of the 1983 classic "The Last Starfighter", Time got Stinky going during a sober scene where one of the characters is dying. Within about 90 seconds the majority of the crowd was laughing, which prompted a guy behind us to ask(through his own laughter) "Why are we laughing? This is serious!"

You can fight it, but it only makes it worse.

Bring On The Night

Sting still kicks ass.



So I'm in Boston for a family thing this weekend. As a surprise, my wonderful bride whisked me off to a special Sting concert Thursday night. I'm a huge Police fan, I followed Sting after he went off on his own and really enjoyed "Dream of the Blue Turtle" album and the "Bring on the Night" concert movie that came from the prep and opening of that tour.

In subsequent years Mr. Gordon Sumner seemed to mellow a bit, drift more onto the "Adult Contemporary" playlists. The stuff I loved, the driving bass and belted lyrics, were getting few and far between.

But on this night he went back to his roots, as he said. I won't describe the whole event, it is done so well here by a guy the the Boston Herald. When Sting said, "I'm going to play some stuff I haven't played in a long while..." I knew it was going to be a fantastic show.

We were real close, it was a small venue and the sound was amazing. He played bare-bones, no backup singers, synth, piano, strings or Rain forest sticks. Just a drummer, two guitarists and himself. And he only played bass, the sunburst Fender, pictured above, circa 1970 something. He also talked a LOT, it was getting like an episode of VH1's Storytellers.

I was a happy guy, tapping and singing and generally being a kid.

My favorite tune might have been "A Day in the Life", which was his homage to the Beatles; "Without them, I would be here..." The original Beatles song so full of production (strings, sound effects, etc) that you can't imagine a stripped-down band taking a crack at it and making it sound like anything, but he did.

Sweet show.

Man, great end to a week with as many interesting and amazing "ups" as there were "downs". So everything evened off pretty well, maybe even a little "up". And then, to top it off, I meet Goldie Hawn yesterday!

Well, I stood 5 feet from her as she signed books. But STILL! And she looks hot.

Essence of Me

I'm walking out of Wal-Mart the other day and I'm in a deep, thoughtful mood. I was waiting to hear if I would be granted an audience for rather important meeting, and my mind was on what I would say if the chance came. I mean, you have to be ready, right? Of course those discussions, when they come, never go as planned. But I plan them anyhow, so that's where my head was.

As I approach my domestic sports car (I use the term "sports car" loosely. It's a car and it takes me to sports) I hear a whooshing of air from behind me. My spidey sense was tingling (I'm still on medication for that) and I immediately ducked. Two geese flew over my head, right about where my head had just BEEN. They honked between themselves as they glided away, no doubt giving themselves verbal hi-fives for causing the human to jump.
"Nice one, Seymour! He nearly crapped his pants! Let's get another one!"

Who were these assassins? Or are they just pranksters, like myself? It made me wonder about the whole reincarnation thing. If I came back as a bird, or any animal, would I retain enough of my essence or personality to feel the need to do things like that? I have a friend who confided to me (foolishly) that a bird had once made a bull's-eye on their head in a public place. Now that sounds a bit mean-spirited, but maybe the anger of being confided to a pigeons body would lead me to preform similar acts of evil pranks. I mean, almost all the gags I can think of require hands.

I hope so, about the essence part. I'd hate to be raccoon without a sense of humor.

Our Enemy Now Has A Face

Greenspan Blames Moleman For Economic Woes
posted 5/4/05 5:45 am (Shamus News Network)

WASHINGTON (SNN) - Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan and his colleagues are being buffeted by strong economic crosscurrents — rising inflation pressures on one hand and a sudden slowing in economic growth on the other.

In response, Greenspan came forward yesterday and named the root cause - Moleman.

"I'm calling on all citizens to help me catch the Moleman!" Raged Greenspan at yesterday's news conference held at the grand opening of the nation's newest Wendy's restaurant, located a block from the Federal Reserve in Washington. "His reign of Underworld Kingpin has been detrimental to the economy, the Administration, and to anyone who is sick and tired of those damn sinkholes!"



Moleman has been links to several large tunnels running under the country. Investigations reveal Moleman may be building the tunnels to support the underground economy featured in Greenspan's 2001 book, "The Underground Economy is Going to Really Hurt Us".

Investigations by the Fed have revealed that the tunnels dug by Moleman have been used to ferry cheap labor from South America, porn from the West Coast, and powdered milk from Wisconsin.

The Department of Homeland Security recently proposed the erecting of a giant spigot and hose to put down some of the holes the Moleman has been seen using around the country. Millions of gallons of water would be poured into them as an attempt to flush the Moleman out into the open, where he could be captured or struck down in a hail of gunfire.

"He's public enemy number one." Greenspan confirmed when questioned about the severity of the threat the Moleman poses. "Or number two, right behind Michael Jackson. It's a close call."

To bring more attention to the molehunt, commemorative classic-style "Wanted Posters" have been issued by the Franklin Mint.



The Moleman could not be reached for comment. His spokesperson reported that he is currently in Europe wrapping up a press junket for the DVD release of the movie "The Incredibles", in which he played the character "Underminer".

Barefoot in the Park

So yesterday I was able to blow the office and get away for a brief time. I ate lunch inside of a car by a little pond watching the reflections off the water. A gentle rain fell despite the accu-weather radar graphic showing clear skies above the Capital District. Little do they know they only need to stick their heads out of the window to get the real accu-weather.

The drops of rain made slight distortions in the painted liquid, causing the image to shimmer and flex before returning to glass. From inside the car, the translucent drops streaked the window, forming goblets of water until the surface tension loses control and the fat drops race down the window and crash into a line of water below. Rain-X is a wonderful thing.

The daily grind of late has made me the recklessly bouncing and crashing like the rain on my window. Everybody is busy, and the brief moments of peace and tranquility are stolen moments in a hectic day. I hate the fact I have to pry this time from a day that should be mine to spend as I like. Spend it with whomever I like. Spend it in the rain if I like.

In that moment I drift to my fantasy land. I'm not tethered by the daily restraints and responsibilities. I can run barefoot in the park wearing a velvet running suit. I will sing "Mona Lisa" at the top of my lungs and in several keys that the song was not designed for, and not give a care. I will dunk my head in the glittering fountain pool and drink from the misty spray, cooling in the mist.

Well, maybe not in this park. There's probably broken glass in the grass and who knows what's up with that fountain.

Noted philosopher Ferris Beuller said it best; "Life moves pretty fast. Once in a while you have to stop and look around or you just might miss it."

Or something like that.

Cheesed

Cops: Man Tries to Pay for Pizza With Pot
FARGO, N.D. (AP) - Police arrested a 21-year-old man early Saturday after he allegedly assaulted a pizza delivery driver who refused to take marijuana as payment for a pie, police said. The man, charged with robbery, was released from the Cass County Jail after posting $5,000 bond.

Pizza Patrol driver Atif Yasin thought the man was asleep when he arrived to deliver a medium pizza and 20-ounce soda. After knocking a few times and calling the man on his cell phone, Yasin said he answered the door in his boxers.

I delivered pizza for a while during college, and I was overjoyed when people answered the door with ANY clothes on. You think I'm kidding? Some people see no issue with ordering food then answering the door without a stitch to cover their "twigs and berries", as Austin Powers put it. And were any of them hot hot chicks? Nary a one.

The man took the pizza, spent a few minutes looking for money and then offered to pay with marijuana, Yasin said.

Been there, Yasin. I've had people offer some off the wall items in barter. One chap produced a giant sock full of pennies, which he promised contained double the amount owed, so I could keep the change for a tip. An older lady said her monthly check hadn't arrived, so would this lamp be ok? It didn't look Tiffany to me, and since this was before the Antique Roadshow, I passed. Same deal with what was described as an "expensive old watch", but looked to me like a broken Timex circa 1970. I never bartered, because once you start accepting in trade you end up with a car full of crap, with no room for your deliveries.

One of our drivers had a pickup, and he returned from a delivery one day with a giant grin on his face. "You gotta see this!" he dragged me out to the alley and showed me what was in the bed of the truck. There sat a TV. "It's got stereo sound." he said proudly. "Does it work?" I asked. "Couldn't tell." the driver shrugged. "The guy already had his power shut off for not paying his bills." Good one.

Yasin said when he told the man that he either needed money or the pizza, the man began to yell and pushed him and punched him in the face.

Ouch! I never got punched in the face, but I never argued either. Rule number one, never take the pizza out of the delivery hot bag until you see the green. Boxers or no boxers.

After calling police and waiting for officers to arrive, Yasin delivered two more orders that were waiting in his car.

This guy Yasin is hardcore delivery guy and deserves a flippin promotion. If I got drilled in the kisser by a customer the last thing I would be thinking about are the other pizzas cooling in my car. He deserves employee of the week, at the very least.

Personal Ad of the Day

Run Away With Me

Recently-single, looking for a life-partner who can provide a low-stress environment for me to flourish. I enjoy long, long runs, sometimes to totally different states. I love low-cal ice cream, newborn puppies and New Mexico sunsets, although I currently reside in another state. Not into smokers, bondage or head-games. Are you a S/W/D/M 21-45 who loves same? If so, let’s meet and talk about non-threatening topics.

Parking Nazi

You ever see the person in the parking lot giving dirty looks to the offenders of the written and unwritten parking lot rules? Well, that's me, a parking lot Nazi.

It started at a young age, when my mother used to park haphazardly in our driveway. I would critique her poor choice of positioning in the car port or in our pull off area. She had 6 kids in the car, all without seat belts or baby seats so the last thing on her mind was if the car was parked at the most optimal position. She was too busy counting heads.

As I grew up and took to the roads, I only got worse. Comments would slip out at inopportune times, like the time I told my then-girlfriend that her car was way too far from the curb. Of course, I didn't even have a car at the time and she was my chauffeur, and her look told me I better put a lid on it or get used to the loser limo (bus).

My cross country coach once got so pissed at my remarks that he threw the keys at me and told me to park it myself. I then bent under pressure and drove the team down to Dunkin Doughnuts and nearly missed the race. I had never seen a person turn purple before, but that was the shade his face was when we arrived at the starting line as the guy with the gun was saying "....get set...".

Now, I've mellowed a bit but I'm sure there are a few people out there who can refute that statement. But, I really have. There are just two things that will get me to make a comment:

1) People who are not handicapped but park in the handicap spot. It makes me so mad, I could spit. Nine out of ten people play buy the rules, but there are those who think they are Above The Law. Well, I see you, and if you notice something wrong with your car soon afterwards, it might have been me. You are lazy and you are rude. It makes no difference that there isn't a line of handicapped people waiting to park, that's not the point. I swear if I was a cop, I would wait for these people to return to their car and them give them a taste of tazer.

A few years back at Christmas time I was at Price Chopper and noticed a guy with a handicap indicator next to me. He was trying to get out of his van, but the door couldn't swing all the way open. He was trying to get out, but his arm braces here just not wielding enough. I went over and offered a hand. He was nice but was embarrassed. He explained he didn't have trouble in the handicap spots, but they were all full.

He went in and I looked over the two cars in the blue reserved spots. Neither had the Handicapped designators, which I know is not necessarily and indication of a violation. "Can I help you?" a voice asked me. I turned an a lady with a kid in the basket was looking at me. "Is this your car?" I asked. She said it was, like what business of it was mine?

I didn't curse, nor did I yell, because the kid was there. I gave a rather lengthy description about the gentleman with a handicap who hadn't been able to get out of his car. "Well I have this kid, I need to be close to the doors. It's cold." She didn't get it, and wouldn't. "You ought to be ashamed of yourself!" Lame admonishment, and I'm sure she wrote me off as a ranting looney, but I felt good that I had said something.

2) People who park their cars sideways and take up 3-4 spots. I don't begrudge those who take up two spots, because sometimes the lines are drawn too thin or somebody parks wide and throws everybody off. I hate the morons who parks lengthwise. I spied such a violator a few weeks ago on our way to lunch. "Look at that asswipe!" I exclaimed. I went on for a bit and then one of the network guys pointed out, "I don't think I've ever heard you this loud before."

It made me yearn for the days of my 1967 Chevy Biscayne. It was a giant piece of steel and dents, and I would have drove it right up against that crystal clear coat pain job and left it there, millimeters away. You want to draw attention to yourself? How about being the guy who can't move his car because he parked like a dick?

Somehow I always slip into addressing the reader of my blog as the guy I'm pissed at, like he's going to read it. Like he can read.

See, only two things. No that bad. Right?

Wild Ride

This guy shouldn't be alive. But he is, and he tells a good story.

Personally, I didn't think you could get a Mini up tp 115 MPH, unless you ran it off a cliff.