Take My Advice

My brother T-Man called this evening and said that he thought a good blog topic would be 'Best Advice I’ve Ever Gotten'. Sounded god to me. “And tell the story of when our car caught fire in Montana, remember?” Oh, yes. We received a very excellent piece of advice that day.

After Tim finished undergrad, and after my first year in Grad school, we both decided to split the East and move back to the wilds of British Columbia. Easier said than done. First, I’d been in the East for 5 years, and accumulated quite a large amount of “stuff”. T-Man as well, and a nice cache of goodies which needed to make the trip. So, a U-Haul trailer was in order. Since my motorcycle wasn’t going to pull that kind of load, my Grandfather donated his old car for me to use. It had been my wheels the last few years so I was used to it. I took it to a mechanic and he assed the road worthiness for the trip. It was using a bit of oil, but he gave me a 72% chance, which I took to be good odds.

The trailer was attached, the goods stowed, and rear bumper dangerously near the ground, we rolled. My faith waned the first large hill, just 15 miles out I 88 towards Binghamton. But we were two crazy kids out on the country with the wind at our backs and sun shinning on our faces.

Jump ahead 5 days of driving, visiting a few pals and seeing some sights. We’re now in Montana, heading West. We’d been using a lot of oil. A LOT of oil. A least a few pints a day. We were close though, a day and a half driving to the ocean.

The first omen was running out of gas. We did so just shy of a town called Livingston. Not 5 minutes later a guy pulled over and offered to drive us into town for gas. The folks there were exceedingly friendly and warm. We spent the evening there, to get a real nights sleep before tacking the mountains.

The next day I decided to unpack my motorcycle and ride it over the mountains roads to alleviate some stress on the car. Tim did the honors of the daily oil add and we were on our way, me leading on my steed. We turned out of the motel and passed through the one traffic light in town when I heard a horn go off behind me. I look in my rearview mirror and Tim is flashing the lights, and there was smoke coming out of the hood. I pulled over.

Tim popped the hood and some flames shot up. I ran to the car and grabbed the cooler. We started dumping water, ice, soda and finally dirt on the carburetor to kill the flames. It did. The engine was a melted, sticky mess.

Ten minutes later, the fire brigade arrived. It was a volunteer group, so they were dressed in an array of clothes. It looked like a rag tag group, but they knew what they were doing. They looked under the hood and quickly assessed the situation. “Hmm. Looks like it’s out.”

Another volunteer tried to console us, “We had one last week up on the highway. Burned to the ground before we could get to it.” Hmmm. Really. What a shock.

So there we were. The car was towed to the town garage. We were wondering what our next step was, when one of the firemen offered. “You know what I’d do?”

Tim and I were held captive in the pause. We both thought he was about to impart the directions for getting us and our crap the rest of the way home. Here was the salvation we needed in the moment of haze.

“I’d get a bucket of chicken and go sit in the park.”

So we did. We kept cracking up while we ate, the bizarreness of the situation not being lost on either of us. It was maybe just what we needed.

I don't know if it's the best advice I've ever gotten, but it was perhaps the most timely. To me, the best advice might have been from a friend back in BC who convinced me not to continue seeing my girlfriend from college (we were nearing the 'engagement' phase - a very close call. That turned out to be dead-on advice. Thanks, Iain.

I See Paris, I See France....

Funky Fresh Freddy is the man - thanks to him here's links to Paris Hilton's phone that was hacked. Here's the pictures from her phone - some are pretty racy, so mature viewers only please. You have to admit, she loves to look at her self, with and without clothes on.
Here's her address bookI was surprised to see I wasn't in there (she must have lost my number). I had a great idea for her for her show, "The Simple Life". She and her pal could go help AIDS babies in Africa. That's hot.


Misc issues...

Japan is one of the most densly populated places next to India. So what's the problem?

Saw Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow - interesting movie. The plot was ok, but the way it was shot and the whole look, lighting, etc was excellent. Angelina Jolie in an Eyepatch? Well it kinda worked.

I'm hooked on Kelly Clarkson's song "Since U Been Gone". I had it cranked at work in my headphones as I coded away Friday and a pal tapped me on the shoulders. "What cha rocking out to? Metallica? Van Halen? Good Charlotte?" "Uh, no. Kely Clarkson." He looked like I had just told him I was going to get breast implants. He backed away, his impression of me damaged. "Uh, ok man. Talk to you later..."
I admitted Kelly C. was my guilty pleasure to Sponky, and this song has only made it worse, because it's a GOOD song. It rocks pretty hard. I'm sure that the song was written by my fellow Canadian Avril Levigne. Avril wrote "Breakaway" for Kelly as well. So, what, Avril has just so MANY hits she is giving them away now? Nice problem to have. I just hope she doesn't start giving the hits to Christina Agulara. I don't want to have to listen to her as well. That could be a death blow to my music creds at work.

Hey, Ziggy. Eat me.

Ziggy is not funny. I gets me riled up when I see that unfunny waste of ink in the Sunday paper every week.

Here's an example of a typical lame Ziggy. try not to hurt yourself laughing.



Here's three examples of how it could have been slightly amusing.






Up yours, Ziggy. You waste my time by promising mirth and all you deliver is rectal pain. And if you're listening Garfield, you're no Seinfeld either. I just don't have the time to waste on you right now.

Red Wings Update

The regular season is over, and we finished the season +.500 (15 wins-9 losses-4 ties). Pretty sweet considering the team hasn't finished on the plus side in 5 years. I've only been on this team for 3 years, but it's been a long 3 years.

Now it's playoff's time. Go Wings!

The Abyss

I'm standing in Dunkin Doughnuts at 8am yesterday and it strikes me that there isn't a person behind that counter that gives a flying handshake about what they're doing. I don't get upset. Their jobs are low paying. They have to wear a uniform that a homeless person wouldn't wipe his ass with. They don't have any motivation to provide customer service. Couple with that the fact that this is a new store, already suffering technical failures (you can't see the doughnuts as the display lights are out) and reeking of little or no training and you have entered what I like to call "The Abyss".

I've witnessed the Abyss before. A few years back I was taking my brother Pat to the bus station and swung by the McD's on S.Pearl street to get him a McSandwhich for the trip. We sat in the drive thru line for 5 minutes with no movement, then I decided to park and go inside. Let me paint this picture:

There is a crowd of 10 people standing in a group by the counter. There is no formal line that I can discern, just a mob. There is a lanky, sickly-looking young man standing behind the counter who appears to be taking orders. There are no sounds coming from the kitchen, no sizzles, no beeping of timers, and no people in the galley at all. There is one employee with a broom, head down and sweeping in one corner of the dining area.

The chaos quickly becomes apparent. The crowd of people have already paid, either inside or outside in the drive thru, but no food is forthcoming. The guy up front is still taking orders and providing drinks, but no food. He doesn't see a problem with this, he isn't the cook. The crowd peppers the poor guy with questions he apparently can't answer:

"Where are the cooks? Who's cooking the food?"
"When will I get my food, I've been here 15 minutes."
"Where's the Manager?"

I can see the Manager, he keeps peeping guiltily out of an office in the back while holding a phone to his head, no doubt trying to rustle up some reinforcements. The crowd spots him as well.

"Hey! Come out here! You got a mess on your hands out here!" One truck driver with a cap that states 'Elvis Lives'. "We got places to get to!"

Others join in trying to verbally coax the manager forth, but he's not budging. They don't pay him enough to deal with THIS.

Pat and I sat and watched for a while, no illusions that he was going to get a McMuffin, but just amazed at the scene. The crowd is now questioning the sweeper. Can he cook? Can they go back and make their own food? How hard can it BE?

It's the Abyss. Nobody really cares and so you can complain all you want, it won't mean shite. We leave, lucky to have avoided it this time.

Back in Dunckin D's, The three people behind the counter have finally served the 2 people in front of me in line. That only took 10 minutes and 2 tries at correct change. I ask for a Croissant Sandwich. "Sorry." the counter person intones. "We don't have those." She's lying, because I got it the other day here and it's right up there on the unlit menu. But she's in the Abyss and couldn't give a crap.

I get a coffee and try to order a doughnut, but she's already rung me up for just the coffee. "Oh, you wanted a doughnut too?" I smile and say skip it. She charges me for it anyway and we spend a few minutes doing some math together. She can't remove the extra item from the register, and neither of the others can figure it out either, so I count out what the real total is and walk out. I'm done.

That was my third trip to that new DD, and my last. Over the past week they have messed up and overcharged for each order, which is forgivable. The real sign of the Abyss is they show no signs of getting any better. Life is too short. I'll go over and see my buddy Goldie across the street.

Kick At The Darkness

I mentioned previously my latest challenge, which was based on the quote "Be ashamed to die until you have won some victory for humanity."

Well I made a joke out of it (what else is new?) but in a way, I take the quote is a real challenge. The quote nagged me all day today like an infernal alarm clock beeping that just won't stay turned off. Ok, so let's say I buy into it - what do you have to do to qualify as having a positive impact on humanity? It's far easier to have a negative impact than a positive one. History is full of events triggered by one person with some bad ideas. Just look at all the trouble that Ghandi character stirred up.

Unfortunately Mr. Mann took a dirt nap over 100 years ago, so he's not around to explain his quote a bit more. How many people do you have to impact for it to count as "humanity"? Does it count just to be a decent person and treat other people in a decent, civilized manner, like McGuyver? He was always nice to people, even the bad guys.

I know people who use their vacation to go to South America, bringing clothes and other things for the locals. They read them books and just help out in general around the village for the 2 weeks. That must have a real impact - a selfless act of sacrifice that really helps people out.
I'd have to pick the right place to go, as I sunburn easily and my constitution doesn't fare well with many 3rd world menus. What good will I be if I'm burnt to a crisp and hunched over on the pot the whole time? Are there any needy kids in say, Italy, who could use a N.Y. Rangers sweatshirt and pair of flip flops (used only for one summer)? I could be down with that.

I'm going back to B.C. this summer and will be bringing family heirlooms (aka hand-me-downs ) to my new niece, but I don't think Canada qualifies as a 3rd world country. On second thought, they still don't have 24 hour grocery stores, they use the metric system (hello - didn't they get the memo on that failed experiment?) and their money looks like it came from a Parker Brothers game complete with funny names like "Loonies" (dollar coins) and "The Gretzsky" (the $5). What's up with that?

Erik had a good idea about taking up the cause of an endangered species, but does that qualify as an act for humanity? I guess if humans enjoy seeing the damn bird flittering about then I guess so. If this was still 1984 I could take up the charge for the New Karner Butterfly, which was massacred here when they put in Crossgates Mall. All that remains now of that blue speckled bug is a plaque up on the wall at the end of a forgotten hallway.

Since that quest failed (RIP New Karner!) it brings up another question; what is a "victory"? Is the fact you even attempt to raise an issue a blow for good even if you end up tanking big time? I like the idea from that Bruce Cockburn song which says, "Nothing worth havin comes without some kind of fight. Got to kick at the darkness till it bleeds daylight..."

Well, still no plan of action and more questions than answers. I need to get revved up for a good ass-kickin in the name of humanity.

Superman Is A Dick

...and other misc stuff today.

Nice link from Vicki's site - Superman is a dick.

The Queen won't be going to Charles' wedding. Alright Liz!!

The clothes make the man. Even the homeless man.

We're going streaking! C'mon guys... guys???

Another great Fensler Film short - SeaLab2021 out takes.

My Latest Challenge

I read this quote yesterday: "Be ashamed to die until you have won some victory for humanity."

That was said by Horace Mann, educational reformer. I tried to think if I had done anything that could remotely be deemed a victory for humanity, but came up with zilch. So I have to get my ass moving on this, in case whatever I come up with takes a few years to do.

Here's my ideas so far:
1) Convince Americans to get rid of the penny. The useless, annoying penny.
2) Write a novel so moving that it changes people's lives. It would need to involve the afterlife, children and cute little otters, but so far I haven't found a believable plot line to tie it all in.
3) Steal John's idea for the Memory Foam toilet seat.
4) Come up with a joke that is so funny/poignant that it changes the hearts and minds of people worldwide who hate Americans. It starts "A Canadian, a Scotsman and Ronan Tynan go into a bar..." That's all I got so far.
5) Figure out how to rig all automobiles to run on human urine. Can you imagine the implications? It would turn waste water treatment into the hot job of the next decade.

As you can see, I need to spend some more quality time contemplating this quest. Winning a victory for humanity is going to be a bitch and a half.

Sale To The Chief

It’s President’s Day soon. To me, that means I get to have another lazy Sunday-like day. I was reading the paper this morn and discovered there will be way WAY more to tomorrow than just slouching about in my spiderman pj’s and teaching the kids how to make inappropriate noises with their armpits. It’s going to be a day of Presidential Savings!

That’s right, if you snooze on Monday, you will lose. Every Walmart is having store-wide Presidential savings. Ford, Chevy and even Hyndai are honoring our former Commander-in-Chief’s by offering cash back and low APR on all models, even the popular F-150!

Not to be left out, the bars in Albany will be rolling out the red, white and blue, offering First Lady’s Night., complete with a wet-inaugural Tshirt contests. And for the fellas, if your name happens to be George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Grover Cleveland or and Presidential combination you get your first drink free. Hail to the Chief, indeed.

I thought about sending my Mom a nice card to mark the occasion, as she often misses American holidays from her perch up in the Great White North. Hallmark has a nice assortment of thoughtful greeting cards onhand, but some were a bit creepy. One showed a picture of Nancy Reagan with that smile she always had, and the inscription; “To my Mother“ and on the inside, “You will always be my First Lady.” C’mon Hallmark, that may fly in West Virginia, but around here we have laws against stuff like that.

I like the holiday despite the rampant commercialization and blatant cheesiness. Not just because it’s a day off or I need to buy a car or anything, but because I know that if I needed to, those Presidential Savings would be there for me. Try to top that, Canada.

iBabe

This is a sweet ad.

The song is “Jerk It Out” by the Caesars. The chick in the skirt reminded me of a girl I met in 11th grade at a dance. I was mesmerized by her undulating, hypnotic gyrations. For one night, I was entranced by her spell, as she swirled around me. My feet moved but it was all her and she was amazing.



She had approached me, never offered a name, just used me as a dance partner with moves that had never be seen in the St. Patrick’s gymnasium before, maybe since. But the music ended, and she was gone, never to be seen again. I heard recently that she has 4 kids and a mild case of the gout. Ok, so I made up the last part about hearing about her.

Anyways, the chick in the skirt reminds me of her and the guys in the video both remind me of me. Me, like, a year ago.

Survivor Palau - Naked in Paradise

The wait is finally over!!! Tonight is the premiere of the 10th season of America's self-proclaimed most popular reality show, "Survivor."

Yes, it's been a love hate relationship with the show for me ever since Richard Hatch ran naked on the first season and then won the whole thing. Each installment after that showed that, yes, there were people in America stupid enough to sign up for the show yet never crack a book on how to survive on an island. None of them bothered to ask a boyscout how to make fire, pick up a book about lean-to's, or ask a Navy Seal how to survive on eating just bugs.

Each season I waited thinking, there's NO WAY they won't all be survival experts! They've had YEARS to prepare. But yet they came. Series mastermind and producer Mark Burnett finds Americans who somehow never thought to prepare for the game, and as a result, he can control who eats, who has warmth, and who ends up wearing bikini's for 12 weeks.

I can't wait. 20 new castaways will be abandoned in a new an exciting way, then the game WILL CHANGE in a dramatic way. Everything the Survivors have come to expect will be wiped in the first 10 minutes! Who will outwit, outplay and outlast all the others to become the sole Survivor? I'm wetting myself in excitement.


UPDATE - 9:10 PM

Ok, so it was the same old show with different morons. They quickly cleaved a wackjob signing lady and dim-witted beach boy, then voted off an over-zealous chick who made a bad call during the challenge.

Rockin Things
- Chicks lost clothing quickly (calm yourselves ladies, the guys did too, maybe more so)
- One person ate a bug - I’ve been waiting for that for several seasons
- They let one obviously mentally-ill person in the first show. Yes, she was quickly removed.
-The actually built a decent shelter.

Sucky Things
- The team that won the challenge using their brains quickly redeemed themselves as slack-jawed yokels by giving the excellent shelter away to the losing team for a bare beach, and then dumping their fire supplies to the bottom of the bay. Smooth move, Exlax.
- The promised they were not going to give them anything, they gave them machete’s and other supplies. STOP IT! Make them really scrounge. Make them kill small animals with their bare hands and wear the skins.
- Jeff Prost seems to be getting a real attitude.

Despite the bad stuff I can’t pretend to be mad at you though Mr. Burnett - you had me when the chick ate the grasshopper. Nice.

I, Robot. You, Dead Meat.

Robot soldiers roll closer to the battlefield
Published: February 16, 2005, 6:47 AM PST By Tim Weiner The New York Times

The American military is working on a new generation of soldiers, far different from the army it has.
"They don't get hungry," said Gordon Johnson of the Joint Forces Command at the Pentagon. "They're not afraid. They don't forget their orders. They don't care if the guy next to them has just been shot. Will they do a better job than humans? Yes."

Ok, is anybody else a bit nervous about this? I love robots, but to think they will be roaming foreign soils (and possible our own as well) carrying out "orders" seems a bit disconcerting. Programming is not perfect, look at the recent failures with the Mars Rover and the Hubble Telescope which both had serious problems due to very slight calculations in the code. Thankfully, no humans were hurt as a result, but how close did we come to having the Mars rover landing in a school zone and nearly running over a crossing guard as it searched for soil specimens? We'll never know.

The Pentagon predicts that robots will be a major fighting force in the American military in less than a decade, hunting and killing enemies in combat.
Military planners say robot soldiers will think, see and react increasingly like humans. In the beginning, they will be remote-controlled, looking and acting like lethal toy trucks. As the technology develops, they may take many shapes. And as their intelligence grows, so will their autonomy.

Did they happen to catch any of those Terminator movies? How about T3, where the robots decided humans were a danger to themselves and decided to wipe us out. I saw how the living conditions were for humans in that movie and it wasn't good. They had ragged clothing and were eating what looked like crude oil under the reign of the shinny cyborgs. Not a Wendy's or pizzeria in sight. You call that living? I say no.

"The lawyers tell me there are no prohibitions against robots making life-or-death decisions," said Johnson, who leads robotics efforts at the Joint Forces Command research center in Suffolk, Va. "I have been asked what happens if the robot destroys a school bus rather than a tank parked nearby. We will not entrust a robot with that decision until we are confident they can make it."

That strikes me as a pretty ignorant reply. What lawyers was he talking to? Surely not the litigation pitfalls of Dewey, Cheatem and Howe who would turn just such a case into a multi-million dollar settlement.

Before we get out panties in a bunch, let's start the robots off doing less dangerous tasks, shall we? How about taking out the trash, serving shakes at Dairy Queen or performing routine medical exams (like this one) before giving them a railgun and a ticket to the battlezone. Why is the first use we have for these creatures to inflict death on our enemies? Why not serve them fast food instead? Let's teach the robots to say, "Do you want fries with that?" before "Die, you godless sandnapper!". Then at least our enemies will die happily of a massive artery -blocked coronary, rather than multiple gunshot wounds.

Phil McGraw, Snake Oil Cowboy

Dr. Phil disgusts me, but I have to hand it to the guy, he knows what sells. His latest show "Romance Rescue" is on the tube and it's going to be huge. HUGE.

But where did he come from? The journey goes back to the late 1980's. Facing a lawsuit from Texas cattle ranchers when she had an hour-long show on Mad Cow disease, Oprah hired Courtroom Sciences Inc., a trial preparation and consulting firm whose clients have included Exxon (during the Valdez oil spill trial), The New York Times, and other Fortune 500 companies. The president? You guessed it, Dr. Phil. He advised Oprah on how her case should best be presented, and she skated though unscathed.

Dr. Phil was rewarded with appearances as a regular guest on her daytime program. His new title? Relationship and Life Strategy Expert. Shazzam!

Each season, Dr. Phil plucks from the wilderness the most fragmented family his staffers can find. Cameras roll as he delivers them en masse toward stability and enlightenment over the course of an entire season. Emotionally vacuous, ice cold mothers married to philandering, gambling-addicted fathers of pregnant, pie-faced fifteen year-old girls are not uncommon on the set.

It's the Jerry Springer show, under the guise of a doctor being in the house. And minus the flying chairs. So far.

Dr. Phil is a controversial behaviorist among therapists. One camp sees him as an emotional hustler who's turned serious psychotherapy into a state fair sideshow, tearing down defenses and offering nothing in return. Others say Phil is doing a service by showcasing dysfunctional couples to the world and chastising them to snap out of it.

Nothing like a verbal bitch-slapping to strighten someone out, eh? Like I said, he may strike you as a good-ol-boy used car salesman, but he moves a LOT of cars. And in America, that's what we call success.

Happy Valentines Day

Now we all wish our women were a bit more into a tumble in the hay, but this is just feckin bizarre.

A British woman was sentenced to two and a half years in jail Thursday for ripping off her ex-lover's testicle with her bare hands during a drunken brawl after he refused her sex.

"She grabbed him by the genitals, tearing off his left testicle, then hid it in her mouth before a friend of Jones handed it back to him saying 'that's yours.' "

So, what do you do when your pal hands you back your left ball? Here's a few ideas:

1) "Hey, I've been looking for that..."
2) "Thanks. Now how about returning my table saw?"
3) "Thanks, man. I owe you one."
4) "Hey, wasn't there a bag that went with this?"
5) "Keep it. I already bid on a replacement nut I saw on E-Bay."

Happy Valentines Day. Try not to think about this tonight.

Special of the Day

I love pranks. Some of the best pranks you can play involve the telephone. Growing up there was no such thing as "nothing to do" if we had access to a phone and a tape recorder. I have a tape of phone calls we did back in high school and they still make me crack up. Yes, I am 4 years old.

Sometimes the gods smile on you in strange ways. Yesterday I was driving to my hockey game in Troy and the god of phoney phone calls beamed down a beauty. It's normally a kind of boring ride, so I was listening to the Malacky McCourt book "A Monk Swimming" on CD when my cell phone rang.
I answered and the guy on the other end launched into a tirade. It took me about 30 seconds to figure out that:

1) He was calling from a restaurant
2) There was a problem, and he thought he was calling his manager
3) The taps on 3 and 4 were either kicked or not working
4) Stacy hadn't shown up for her shift and as a result the others were overwhelmed
5) He wasn't the usual weekend day shift manager
6) What was he supposed to do?

I nearly broke in and told him I was not the person he had intended to call, but then I had to know if I could pull one over on this guy. What follows is my best recollection of the actual phone call:

"Who's on right now?" I asked authoritatively.
The guy listed about six names.
"Who's in the back?" I had worked in restaurants back in the day.
He reeled off four more names.
"What's the specials?" I queried.
Dutifully, he listed 2 dishes, one a trout filet dish and one a Jack Daniels steak.
"How we doing on the steak? Are you pushing the steak?"
He said he was.
"Ok, here's what you need to do." I said. "First off, you guys need to push the fish. It was dubious when we got it, and it ain't getting any fresher. I need that moved. Right?"
That sounded good to him. I was surprised, thinking that comment was going to end the call. I scrambled for more material.
"Is the new person there today?"
He said he didn't know who that was.
"You know, they started a few weeks ago."
Did I mean Shelia?
"Yeah, Shelia." I said, "Put her on the line."
A few moments of dead air during which I could hear the chaos of the kitchen in the background. They DID sound busy.
Shelia came on and I asked her take on what was going on. She went off on a rambling rant about Mike (who I guessed was the other guy I was talking to) and how he was not letting her host the way she usually does, and they were really getting jammed up because the kitchen was slow and they were short a waiter. She really went on for a while, but I let her get it out.
"Ok, here's what you need to do." I said. "Tell people waiting it's going to be an hour wait. Clear half the tables before you let any new tables in. Remember, customer service is the specialty of the house."
That seemed to brighten her mood. She even thanked me. I was helping people! People I didn't even know, just like Mother Theresa. Kinda.
"Put Mikey back on."
Mike came back and I repeated what I had told Shelia. Mike didn't seem convinced, until I reminded him that customer service is the specialty of the house. He seemed on board with that.

I was now pulling into the arena parking lot, so I was coming to the end of the line, and frankly getting a bit bored with their problems. I also had no idea where else to go. I briefly considered telling Mike to tell the slowest waitstaff person to go take a 20 minute break and think about how to work faster. If I blew it now by getting outrageous, he might redial the number and get the real manager. So I needed to close the deal on a note of normalcy. Mike came back on.
"Mike, I'm counting on you."
He thanked me.
"Mike, remember, move that trout." and I hung up. Time to go play hockey.

The way I see it, I helped strangers and had my fun. Isn't that better than telling someone they have the wrong number? So next time you get that wayward caller, take a moment and have some FUN. You'll be glad you did.

Most Ninjas Are Good People

See? This one is helping the newlyweds cut their cake.
Ninja's love weddings. Almost as much as a Bris.

So Outta Here

It's been a long week, I need to get away. So...
Places I Would Live, If I had 2.2 Million dollars (US)

1) Santa Barbara CA - This place touts an average temperature of 72 degrees, 342 days of sunshine a year and Sangria so plentiful it runs in the taps. The lure of this place is that it is said to be the best place to live in the US. I'd have to live there, even if just for a year, to see if that was true and to blog about the shortfalls and foibles which I'm sure to uncover. If I find none, I’d be sure and make up a couple of whoppers.

2) Outer Banks, NC - Again with the domestic destination. Well, I'd need great insurance, and a nice supply of plywood and beer for hurricane season. I'm not sure what I'd do in my free time, maybe make phony phone calls to people in other states. Like Ohio. I'd get a nice hog and cruise around looking for Tom Clancy's house. Maybe he could use a few pointers on character development. That last tome had a few slips.

3) Tuscany, Italy - I'd have to learn Italian, either that or find myself a bilingual butler. I like the butler idea, then I could have him address me as "Count" in front of other people and let the fun begin. The family might have trouble adjusting since they won't have their own personal translator/friend, and it's not always easy being nobility. I would gain 20 lbs in the first year, but that's just more of me to love. Thats-a nice-a.

4) Bermuda (anywhere on the island, it's small)- I've been there twice and it's a beautiful place. The water is crystal clear, the scuba diving amazing. For fun, I could get a boat and give dive tours of wrecks around the island, making up elaborate and vivid stories of swashbuckling sailors and saucy lasses. I'd make my Italian butler serve as first mate and refer to me as "Commodore". The kids could be deck hands and life on the sea would be their education. And possibly their fate.

5) Maui, Hawaii. - Ever since Magnum PI, I've wanted to live on an estate with a butler and a Ferrari. Since I've already established my butler is Italian, he can make great pasta and fix my guinei exotic. This one might be tight with only 2.2 mil, but I could make concessions. The Ferrari could be a Ford GT, and the estate could be a nice 4 bedroom bungalow with beach access. But I'm keeping the butler. I've grown attached to him in a very short time.

Christo - Artist or Wingnut?

Ever heard of Christo? Sure ya have. He's the guy who likes to wrap up really large things in fabric and call it art.

He's done some pretty big things - buildings, towers, even Islands. Impressive? Well... as far as the logistical aspect of surrounding an island in pink plastic, sure. Many of his projects appear to have started by a dare. Maybe he got drunk with a buddy and they stumbled out of bar in NYC, staggered along Central Park and one of them says:
"You know what would be fucked up? You put these gates up, with some girly fabric on them, all over the park."
The other guy says, "Why the hell would you do that?"
"Just to fuck with people."
"Sweet. Let's go break into a Michaels and get us some fabric. How about Chiffon?"

Now it's happening. Christo will unveil a public installation Saturday, featuring 7,500 gates draped in saffron-colored fabric, spanning 23 miles (37 kilometers) of Central Park footpaths. Knowing the culturally diverse and effusive population of the city, they certainly won't have to worry about pedestrian concerns like vandalism or theft. Maybe in Akron or Albany, but not NYC.

But is that ART? How can you define art in the first place without an Art-O-Meter or something to gauge what is or what is not art. Many artists-types flip out and get all offended if you try and say something isn't art. They feel that any expression CAN be art. So if I throw a sheet over my car outside, that's art. If I leave a lump of rusted metal on my lawn that's art. If my dog vomits on a piece of wood, and then I frame it VOILA, - I gots art.

Here's some ideas I will send to Mr. Crisco as suggestions for future projects:

1) Cover my house in a nice paint. If you want to get really artsy, how about aluminum siding?
2) Wrap an airplane in fabric - while in flight. Not that's a feat.
3) Wrap every run-down building in South Albany with a nice blue velvet. Bling bling.
4) Cover me in thousand dollar bills. Now THAT's good art.
5) How about painting a nice sunset? Or a bowl of fruit?
6) Start a TV show to replace the painting guy on PBS who died.

So you make the call, artist or wingnut. Is there is even a difference? Probably not.

Big-Ears To Get Married

LONDON, England (CNN) -- Britain's Prince Charles has announced he will marry his longtime lover, Camilla Parker Bowles, the woman partly blamed by Princess Diana for the breakdown of her marriage to the heir to the throne.
As a former Royal subject (Canada didn't achieve complete independence until the 1980's) I confess that this news really pisses me off. He's a royal scumbag. Don't get me started. Wait, too late.

Charles and Diana's two sons William and Harry said they were "delighted" at the announcement, a Clarence House aide told the UK's Press Association.
Yeah, I'm sure. Delighted. "Hey, New Mom is the one that drove Mom and Dad apart. Isn't that delightful?"

On the death of the queen, Charles would become the titular head of the Church of England, and some Anglicans remain opposed to the remarriage of divorcees.
Huh huh,they said "titular".

She said she expected a much simpler wedding to the major spectacle of Charles' wedding to Diana in London's St. Paul's Cathedral in July 1981.
Oh Lord, why? Get out the jewels, wigs and horses and let's do this hitchin up right!

Hey, Britain! It's the 16th Century calling. They want their caste system back. C'mon, get real. They're a feckin embarrassment. If he Brits had any sense they would storm the Palace, sell off the gaudy furnishings and turn it into a giant paintball stadium. Can you believe I give away this kind of great advice for free?

Conversions

I saw Ben Folds live a few years back when he was touring by himself (him and his piano) and he said that the lyrics from his song "Not The Same" were from a true story. The songs starts:

You took a trip and climbed a tree,
at Robert Slanges' party.
and there you stayed till morning came,
and you were not the same after that.
You gave your life to Jesus Christ
and after all your friends went home,
you came down, you looked around,
and you were not the same after that.

I guess enlightenment/conversions comes in many forms and fashions, from visions in the night to revelations from being in a tree all night high on PCP or something. I was at party once where a weird thing like that happened.

It was in Vancouver at a house near UBC (Univ. of B.C.). It was one of those big old houses neat Kit's Beach that had been converted to a duplex. We were on the top floor and spent most of the time on the back deck, as it was a warm summer night and the cool night air was the right place to be.

At some point in the evening, one of the deck rails had broke, and we were standing in front of it warning those coming out not to lean on it, since it was not being held on by anything. The wood rotted away at both ends. The inside of the party had gotten quite warm, so deck space was getting to be prime real-estate. A girl come out and must have spied the area around the busted rail as free space. She yelled something to the effect that she had dibs on the rail and bounced across the deck right between us and jumped in the air.

Her gracefully leap would have been perfect if the rail had been stable. She would have landed on it with her butt and had a prime spot. As you can guess, the mere whisper of pressure from her gluteus maximus was enough to send it into space, and the look of shock on her face as she fell backward off the deck, beer in hand, is something I can still see.

She landed about 12 feet down flat on her back. We got to her quick and her mouth was gapping like fish out of water. The wind was knocked clear out of her but she was awake. It had rained that day (it was, after all, British Columbia) and so the ground was a bit softer than usual, which no doubt saved her from some serious spine damage.

An ambulance was summoned, as were the RCMP who both arrived and carted her away on a backboard. Word trickled back to the party in the wee hours that she was going to be fine, although a bit sore for a few some time.

A few weeks later I ran into the guy who had hosted the party and learned that the girl had reversed her life since the accident, going from a finance major who minored in partying to enrolling into a divinity school in Surrey. I've heard those divinity students can party pretty hard, so I'm not sure if it was a complete conversion, but a good start none the less.

Me, I lasted a weekend in a seminary. Well, lasted isn't really the word. Spent against my will, is better. Wasn't for me.

Holy Shite

We place trust in complete strangers every day. Think about it, how do you know the dude passing you in the other direction going 60mph won't swerve into you lane? What's to stop a food service worker from poisoning the swedish meatballs you're eating for lunch?

As near as I can figure, there is an ember inside us which burns for self-preservation. It is the source that is tapped when all other controls (mores, morals, etc) are lost. This ember keeps people afloat until the normal controls can resume. As long as that burns, we refrain from hurting ourselves, and hurting others.

All of this kind of hit me after I read Scott's entry from yesterday. This guy's ember was no longer aflame.

Who Ordered The Chicken Soup?

Nothing gets me riled up quicker than those "Chicken Soup for the Soul" sayings that seem to be flying all over in email. I can ignore the chain letters and ads that want to engorge my member, but when they want to brighten my day with a cute saying, well that's stepping over the line. Don't tell me how easy life is with your fancy-pants literature, I have a headache and my eye is twitching.

I took a moment to comment on a few more annoying sayings I found in a recent email:

Your face uses less muscles to smile than to frown. So stop taking the easy way out and work those face muscles by frowning often. Scowling is even better.

You shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. The fact that there's no such thing as a two-handed baseball glove aside, I agree with this one in principle. It's like the scene in Anchorman, where he refuses to eat the catpoop salad. Or not, I just wanted to mention that scene because it cracks me up.

Unicorns do exist. They do! They are bred by a group of Bolivian scientists in a secret location. Where did you think the multicolored marshmallows in Lucky Charms cereal came from? They grind off the horns to make the charms, then sell the unmusical leftover animal to gypsies.

Students fail because they postpone study. Or, they are just lousy cheaters. Or they had no intention of study. Or they're just morons. In any case, this is just a goofy thing to bring up.

No matter what happens, or how bad it seems today,life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. Unless of course you've been corked by a chevy truck driven by an uninsured latin domestic. Then you've got a date with a respirator, a traction board and if you're lucky, one of those head pointers so you can change the channels on the tv.

You can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I've had some bad days, but what unholy combination of events finds you in that situation? I've lost my luggage on days it has been rainy, but managed to stay clear of Christmas tree lights. Wrapping yourself in ornamental lights is not a smart thing to do when dry, let alone wet.

Buddha was a bit of a boozer, amateur philosopher and loved to chase the skirts but he occasionally made sense. One good thing he said was "Before enlightenment, chop wood and carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood and carry water." So no matter how enlightened you become, you still have to go through all the crap of the day. Now that I can understand.

Our Museum Rots

The NYS Museum is a disgrace. I live near the capital of NY State (no, not New York City!) and it's home to a large marble building which holds the State Museum. Now I know what you're thinking, a state as big and diverse as NY should have a kick-ass museum. Or at least it should be better than what they have in Alabama, or some backwater Canadian Province. Well I'm here to tell you that our museum wouldn't even impress a Haitian boat person. How do I know this? I met one today at the museum, and he was shaking his skinny head in disbelief.

I'm doing the single parent gig this weekend, so I bundled up the little eating machines and drove up to Albany where we enter the majestic Museum building. After making a donation (voluntary - which is their first mistake, they should definately charge out-of-staters) we started through the great halls. What follows is a brief description of the exhibits:

Dead stuffed animals
Old machinery, not sure what it was used for
A display of Logs
Dead stuffed animals
A display of rocks
Old pictures of people doing old-timey stuff
Dead stuffed animals
Several big maps
Dead stuffed animals
one Wooley Mammoth
Dead stuffed animals
and so on....

And I made that list way more interesting than it was.

The most bizarre part was the "Kids Discovery Zone". Perfect, I says to myself, finally something the kids can get into. There was a table of big shells right as you walk in and the kids were drawn right to it. Next to each shell was a sign "Do not Touch or Pick Up".

Huh? You put out a bunch of cools sells and ask them not to touch them? Why not have a bowl of candy and a sign "Do Not Pick Up or Injest". A swarmy dude in spectacles hovered nearby waiting for one of the kids to violate the rules, and I wanted to pop him right in his Bob Johnson. "C'mon guys, this place blows." I said, and we moved on.

The big problem is that the displays were largely set up back when Starsky and Hutch was on TV. They need to inject a little fun into the place, get some technology in there or at least hire a curator from a real museum to liven it up.

The second problem is the people who work there are all volunteers, so they could give a bees fart how the place looks. It's the state museum, by Thor's hammer! It needs to be at least as impressive as the New Brunswick Museum of Dandelions.

I’ve been to a few other state museums, and provincial museums as well. They all were damn impressive. Since we pay some of the highest state taxes in the country, how about some of it going toward a few new dead stuffed animals or something, fer the love of Blackbeard's wooden leg! Let’s put in a little effort, ya bunch of lameass bookworms.

Turn It Up To 11

I've seen a bunch of excellent concert / band documentary DVD's. It was hard as hell to whittle it down to a tight 5, but I'm basing this purely on performances that either turned me into an instant fan as a result of watching the show or displayed amazing musical chops and showmanship.

If you haven't seen one on the list, give it a try. It'll be a nice change from anything hollywood craps out.

1) Bare Naked in America - The BareNaked Ladies

2) Secret World Live - Peter Gabriel

3) Rush in RIO - Rush

4) Stop Making Sense - Talking Heads

5) Linkin Park - Live in Texas

Not on the list was Spinal Tap, but only because it goes without saying that it is the best movie ever made in this genre. And yes, it does count, they could all play their instruments, even though they were acting.

Out With It

I had to interview somebody for a job yesterday and it kinda blew. The guy was actually a good candidate, but I just thought the process was a waste of time. It like a first date, minus the drinks. I'll have to work with this person every day, so I need to know they're going to be cool.

I could speed up the interview process by asking these 10 questions:

1) Are you a psycho? Could you be if pushed hard enough?

2) Are you going to show up most of the time, put in a moderate effort, and not do things that are grossly incompetent and make me do extra work?

3) What's the raunchiest joke you've ever heard??

4) Do you often get told that you have an offensive odor?

5) Do you often tell others that they have an offensive odor?

6) Is you boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/ex going to be calling you daily for either a coo-coo session or a rousing fight?

7) Will I know every excruciating minor personal detail about your life within a few months?

8) Do you like Robots and Ninjas? Could you learn to appreciate their grace and beauty as I do?

9) Do you own lots of cool tools and/or kitchen gadgets? If so, will I be able to borrow them?

10) What is the average flight speed of an unladed Swallow?

The last one is weak, so I'm still working on the list.

Misc Good Stuff

Joyce is recovering nicely, although unconfortable. Kelly is home for a few days, so everything is as good as it can be. Thanks again to everyone who sent the positive energy! It's working.

Midyear stats are out and the only reason I post this link is because I was really surprised to find myself #3! The other guys in the top 5 are in their 20's, and played college hockey. My secret weapon is I play with my linemate and friend Deron who probably feeds me half the goals. We've been playing together for over 10 years, and he works at --- as well. The Wings have won all 3 of the last games without me being there, so I hope they'll take me back whe I can return!

Finally, my friend with a finger on the pulse of the weirdest news found this nugget today.

It All Depends

My son came up with a new game today, and it cracked me up.

We were in the local grocery store picking up a few supplies, you know, like Oreos, milk, cookie dough. So Dan is standing on the front of the cart facing backward, and I'm pretending I'm trying to shake him off. He loves this game and laughs when I ram him into stuff. Meanwhile, I'm picking up the items we need. I shop at like 60 mhp, so we're done in 7 minutes. I roll up to a line and notice that the cart is more full than it should be for our quick trip. Did I grab the wrong cart at some point? Nope, there's the sour cream and onion potato chips and hard salami. This baby is ours.

I soon figured out that Dan had added a few items to the cart when I wasn't looking. Since he's 5, I'm guessing he was just grabbing this and that, and didn't catch the humor of some his choices. My favorites were:

Foot powder
Canned Prunes
Depends

See a theme? His opinion of his dad isn't reassuring. He also picked a few things I did buy:

M&M's
Kleenex

I probably should have gotten the Depends as well. It's one of those things you don't need until it's to late.

Surgery Update

My mother-in-law came through the surgery and the news sounds positive. The family at the hospital will be able to see her tonight.

Thanks to everyone who's been sending their positive energy along.